Just Don’t Let Your Husband Switch it to the History Channel…

It tends to happen at this time of year, every year. My husband, who is a manager in retail, is working long and hard during those holiday retail hours. I am at the end of the semester. Tensions are running high. And this leads to some …’heated’ discussions. Well, heated isn’t exactly accurate. Maybe irritable is more like it. Nit-picky, perhaps. I’m searching for synonyms here, and I’m coming up with crappy ones…  

We get on each other’s nerves. People get on one another’s nerves, especially if they live in the same household. And that’s okay. It’s just a normal part of marriage and adult life. We avoid it as much as we can, until we have to go through it, then we take a five minute break, and move on with our relatively peaceful lives. It also keeps us from punching other people in the mouth—those who may irritate us in our public lives.

Marriage is taking out a day’s worth of aggressions in a nitpicky fight with the person you love more than anyone else in the world…

Me: Has that Christmas tree been on all day?

J: Yep.

Me: Well, thanks for not burning the house down!

J: I do my best.

What's scarier: His hair? That he's on that show?
Or that he gets speaking engagements?

At this time, J turns it over to the History Channel. Which is his non-verbal way of goading me. Because I cannot stand the channel that hosts Ancient Aliens.

Me: Oh, hon. It’s time for Parenthood.

J: There are other TVs in this house, babe.

Me: But I like THIS TV.

J: I like this TV, too.

Me: Are we seriously quibbling about the TV like the children?

J: Yep. We are. And you’re the one who started it.

Me: Well, technically you started it when you changed it!

J: And now we’re quibbling about who started the argument like the children do.

Me: Why aren’t either of them interjecting themselves to break this fight up like we do to them all the freaking time? You’d think they’d know how by now!

J: I guess we’ll have to manage ourselves, ourselves.

Me: Well, let me show you how I am going to manage this awful turn of events.

At this point, I grab my book, commence to ‘reading’ and making increasingly louder “harrumphing” noises at J’s History of Mankind viewing.

You know what, Ancient Aliens? The pyramids and the wall were the good stuff!
Sometimes we screw up too! or did the aliens make this as well?

 J: I don’t understand why you are so upset about this. It’s not Ancient Aliens!

Me: No, it’s just Columbus ‘discovering the new world and changing the face of humanity!’

J: That’s not what they said! In fact, they’re agreeing with you with all of the things you’ve ever told me.

Me: Are you kidding me? They are purporting that Columbus knew full well that he wouldn’t reach the Indies but wanted to find some new indigenous people to enslave for some extra cash?

J: Well, no, but they did talk about the whole smallpox disease thing. And then they talked about the Pilgrims.

Me: Great- John Smith and all that crap.

J: Well, they also shoot over to India and China.

Me: India and Indians? Are you sure? That’s sounds awfully confusing for the channel who thinks aliens invented the pyramids because they’re just too hard for humans.

J: You know what, kid? You are getting on my nerves!

Me: Same here, babe. SAME. HERE.

J: I don’t even know why you are upset with me! How did this even start?

Me: With you not turning off the Christmas tree! Where have you been? 

J: you are going to totally blog this crap, aren't you?

Me: Well, you're the one who's always saying I should blog about you MORE!

J: Great! 

Me: Do you do all of this to just get me riled up?

J: Absolutely.

Let me point out—in about five minutes, we were fine again. I think it had a lot to do with J turning the TV over, agreeing to watch Dr. Who reruns, and bringing me toasted Blueberry Poptarts.

Which, again, is how marriage works. 

Do you bicker with your significant other  over trivial things to let off steam, or is this just us? Be honest-- I'd totally not be surprised if it were just us! And is there anyone else in the world who hates Ancient Aliens as much as I do?

Ugh. We Need Some Funnies.

Are you as sick of the Republican National Convention as I am? How about the political ads? Todd Akin? Oh, and the weird weather? The heat? The impending full moon? People in the world acting bat-shit crazy? The suddenly having to get up before dawn to get the kids to school? The Mayan doomsday right around the corner?

Yeah, I am too. I needed a freaking laugh. Or five. And then, once I had them, I thought I might share them with you, because, hey, it’s good to share, right?

What Is Keeping Me From Posting?

I’m so glad you asked. I made a chart to show you.

Please, no one point out to me that in the time it took for me to make this chart that I could have written you a post. Also, make sure to read the posts I wrote over at Sprocket Ink this week about the Devil stealing children’s souls in the lunch line and, of course, how only stupid people talk about magical vaginas. That should be enough to placate you for a little while, right?

Just be thankful that I’m not posting pictures of my gnarly broken finger. It’s my middle finger. And it’s pretty gross. I came *this* close to posting it!

Yes, I’ve Told J That We’ll be Going Back Very Soon!

I just got back from spending five days in Chicago on a business trip. Each year, right before the start of school, there’s a huge conference (THIS is why I can rarely, if ever, go to BlogHer) for my work, where we get to meet up with current faculty, students, and alums. It’s a blast, but at the same time, it’s work, and the work days are long. This is one of those conferences where meetings start at 7 AM, and things start winding down at midnight. 

It makes up for missing the Cheesy Bloggers meet up earlier this summer. Kind of. 

Our hotel was right on Michigan Avenue. Obviously, this was a plot to torture me. So, while I spent the vast majority of my days working my ass off, I did get a few chances to sneak out and take some pictures and look through a couple of stores. Which I am now sharing with you. Which is about the level of post I’m able to contribute today.

I’m still freaking exhausted! Plus, I’ve had my hands busy in getting Ant into all of his sports for the fall (sheesh!) and fixing K’s schedule (not only will he be a sophomore in high school, but now he is dual enrolled in college. I’m not joking.) and getting ready for school to start.

People keep asking me if I’m ready for school to start. I can’t decide whether to laugh or cry when they ask this.

But I digress. Here’s a whirlwind tour of pictures of Chicago, which I am currently using to entice J to take me back there again. Just him and me. In the very near future. 

I got to take the train, for the first time in my life. It was awesome.
Especially since I had a party room...

I had a room with a view of the lake... Oh, and it was raining
(RAIN!) and cool in Chi-town.

J was frantically trying to cancel my credit cards, to no avail.

Then there was amazing food-- like ricotta filled gnocci...

And the usual suspects in sightseeing...

Navy Pier

Union Station, waiting for the train back home.

 All in all, it was an excellent trip. And seriously, J, we're repeating it. Very Soon.

Guess Where I Am, or Will Be, or Whatever… Nevermind. It’s Too Much Work

That’s right. I’m at Cheesy Bloggers today! Go forth and read (or re-read) my post on the Summer of Non-fiction.

Or you can read the articles I wrote for Sprocket Ink this week. I wrote about Adele saving the life of a child, and also how you can survive when Summer attacks you or the month of June wants you dead.

Given that the month of June seems to want ME dead, I am taking the rest of the month off (with my boss’s blessing. I think she’s afraid it may spill over to my co-workers). That’s right. No work. No writing. No housecleaning, even. Me: parking my butt and enjoying a week of summer, the way it should be; the way it was when I was a kid. I’m sure you understand, right? Or perhaps insanely jealous.

I’ll be reading. Because it’s summer. And there may be some pool time. And I’m sure they’ll be stories and pictures once I return.

In the interim, however (aka, next week) I will have guest posters, thanks to my lovely fellow Sprocket Ink writers! The theme is summer vacation, and I think you’ll like what they have to say. I know I’m looking forward to your responses to their posts!

Is It A Zombie?

This is not a post, but if you’ve been wondering where your #photoadayJune, chicken parmesan recipe, fishing trip extravaganza, or weekend wrap-up have been… well… I have a present for you!

It’s not any of the things you are looking for mentioned above, however.

It’s a chart. An awesome chart which I made, with my own bare hands mouse.

On Sprocket Ink last week, we provided you with several zombie-related posts. For your own good. And also because we love zombies.

You can see them here, and here and here.

Then, the writers at Sprocket Ink started playing a game of, “Is it a zombie?” with any and all news media coverage.

Then we realized that we needed a decision flowchart to assist us in answering the age-old ‘Is it  zombie?’ question. I stepped up to the plate, leveled my eyes at the pitcher zombie, and swung for the bleachers.

Here’s my home run. Just for you.