New Gig, New Look, Renewed Blogging

I seriously thought about giving it up. 

2013 was a rough year, with my grandfather passing, my being ill, moving to our new house, and all the rest of that daily life which crops up. Most evenings, all I wanted to do was eat, collapse on the couch, and watch mindless television until I fell asleep. And yet…

Something was missing. That something was writing. I wasn’t in the head space to actually accomplish regular writing, but damn if I didn’t miss it.

So, for the last few weeks, I’ve pondered and considered and waffled and finally, picked myself up and decided to begin again. This, in the midst of others shutting down and stopping; Sprocket Ink, Schmutzie, and others you may or may not have heard about.

I’ll leave others to meander around the idea of whether blogging is dying. I’m still narcissistic enough to continue. Plus, there’s so much I still want to document. We have K in the house for about 18 more months, and I’m certain shenanigans will ensue as we visit schools and he fills out college applications. Plus, writing about it for you is much healthier than finding a corner and curling up in the fetal position to ride it out, I’m sure.

To that end, I thought it was time for a new, simple, clean look. Voila! I now have one. And while I cut down on many of my writing obligations, I also picked up a new one: Lefty Pop. A brand new site, in its first week, and my first post pops up today.  You should totally go and check them out. I even have a cute new button over on the right.

Later on, I will write more about how my endocrine system tried to kill me, and how I’ve given it a shockabuku. I will write about J’s nefarious plan to make me cook all the things. I’ll update you on Ant, aka, Ferdinand the Bull, and the second season of basketball. I’ll, of course, do some whining about winter weather. There’s much to talk about, but baby steps, baby steps.

I hope you’ll stick around for the ride.

The ACT

There’s something we’ve been avoiding at all costs in this house. And by ‘we’, I mean me. And by avoiding, I mean every time my older child brings up the subject, I sigh, and shake my head, and leave the room as quickly as physically possible.

It’s time for my older son, who is a junior in high school, to take the ACT for the first time. Of course, he needs parental assistance to register for the ACT. This assistance is problematic, however, because it requires me to accept the fact that in roughly 20 months, I will be escorting my child to his college of choice in order for him to begin his freshman year.

Oh? You’ve never felt the urge to hide behind the couch in an effort to avoid your teenage son and his repeated requests to sign up for a standardized test? I feel sorry for you…

Note from J: He would like to remind all involved at this time that we are very fortunate in the fact we convinced K to complete his senior year, even though he will have enough high school credits to graduate on the college prep track at the end of this year.

The other night, I could no longer refuse him. It was the deadline for him to register for the December sitting of the ACT. The time was now; I had procrastinated all I could, so he and I sat down in front of the computer to fill out the registration and questionnaires together.

And by together, I mean he did all of it while I sat there and sighed and made pitiful-looking faces in his general direction. Well, until the point where I began to question all of my parenting choices and wonder at the level of damaging weirdness I appear to have passed along to my son. The moment of this transition occurred rather quickly; the first warning signs presented itself during the process of creating a login. Let me give you a few examples:

The Login: K decides against my advice to pick something very easy to remember (because how often are we going to actually use this login? Please, for the love of all things good, let’s not have to use this login more than two or three times, okay?) for his login and decides to go with something more amusing to him—DeathDevilCatz666.* He giggles like a small child while typing this in. I begin to wonder if a user’s account login is part of the score report that is sent to the schools he will later choose…

Institutional Preferences: Despite listing himself as male in the basic demographic data section, the questionnaire allows him to select that he would prefer to attend an all-female school for college (as opposed to co-ed or all-male). I don’t blame this one on him as much as I do the company that administers the ACT. Folks, you are dealing with adolescent boys here. Did you think this wouldn’t happen time and again?

Ethnicity: It has become apparent that the standard response J and I always give the boys about ethnicity in an effort to promote tolerance for all people (“Ah, we’re mutts. We probably have a little bit of everything in us!”) has been taken in the most literal sense as my son clicks every ethnicity option available to him, including ‘other’.  Again, I blame the questionnaire more than my son on this option. Firstly, why do allow all of the options to be selected? There’s like, 30 options! And what do you really mean by ‘other’? When you have 30 options previous to the ‘other’ at the bottom of the question, the only things that could remain as potential ‘others’ are panda bear and alien!

The Picture: Long gone are the days of ACT registration where you filled out a half-page form in the counselor’s office at school, and threw twenty bucks at them. Oh, no. In addition to the questionnaires that took roughly 15 hours to answer, you now must upload a picture of the test-taker, to be compared to both their physical appearance and their photo ID, on test day. This is an effort curb any impropriety by those who may be swayed into having a smart kid take the test for them. That’s fine; I understand your reasoning and this is a very simple request. That being said, dear company, you are dealing with adolescent males, and you should expect a certain level of shenanigans when it comes to the selfie taken on the phone or computer and uploaded for identification purposes on test day. And why, WHY would you even consider posting that photo to the score reports you send to their selected schools? The urge to be original/creative/creepy/humorous in a way that only appeals to other teenage boys becomes overwhelming to the young males in question, and you WILL get the oddest selfies taken by humans. I took no less than 56 pictures of my son making some of the oddest faces known to man. Seriously, some of these poses will haunt my dreams for years to come. Why did he feel the urge to throw his head back, shrink his neck (how does he even do this? Is my child some type of constrictor?) to virtual nonexistence, and stick out the tip of his tongue? Why does he feel the need to take a photo of himself demonstrating exactly how wide a human being’s eyes can open? Why did he feel the need to wear an ugly Christmas sweater in the photo (the sweater in question features a cat, and says “Meowy Christmas” on it)? WHY? I finally selected a slightly blurry photo that only ranked at about 42% on the creepiness scale when I lost all parental authority and doubled over in stomach-pain-inducing laughter for so long I was afraid the registration was going to time out and we would have to start the 15 hour process all over again.

There are several things I learned from this registration experience, but two items are significant enough to note here. First and foremost, there is no doubt that this is, in fact, MY child, and obviously, all the weirdness I thought I had handily hidden away in the recesses of my mind where no one can see has been quietly seeping out, unbeknownst to me, in ways that my children have been able to observe and model.  Second, and I don’t know how I am going to accomplish this quite yet (thank goodness I still have some time), I am going to need to be better prepared when it’s actually time to apply to the colleges themselves and to financial aid. I have a feeling it’s going to involve copious amounts of wine.

*That’s not his actual login. I have substituted a login name made up by me. I cannot actually match the oddness of his login. This feels important to note.

Head-on

I am flying down the highway with my older son in the car (I remember flying down the interstate with my mother). He despises Radiohead, but he puts it in for me, cranks it loud, and we sit still, motionless, quiet—except for the actions I must take in keeping the car on the road. (It was U2 in the car with my mother, it wasn’t a band I hated, but the experience was so surreal, so slow, and so quiet). He’s demanded information from me; he has to know what’s going on. He makes the decision that he will be coming with me, whether I like it or not. (I needed to know what was going on. I needed to be treated as an adult. She was my family, too).

It has hit me head-on: I was his age when my mother pulled me out of school and flew down a highway so that we would be there when her grandmother passed. I have now pulled my son out of school and am flying down a highway so that we can be present when my grandfather passes. Here I am, witness to yet another cycle of life; cycles that get so terribly lost in the mundane tasks of daily life, until you are hit head-on with one and they are lost no longer.

Realization crashes into me. I realize that I am now setting the stage for how my son will react (just as she set the stage for how I react today) with his child when I call him and tell him that my mother is passing. And this is the way his child will react with their child when he calls to tell them that I will die. The specifics may change, but the cycle of familial behavior will likely remain the same. Who set this behavior in motion? Was it my grandparents, and how they responded to the deaths of their grandparents? Did my mother learn it from them, and they learned it from their parents?

I am suddenly witness to the past, to the present, and to the future of us all, and I cannot tell if the weight of this is overbearing or comforting to me.

Some Real Advice For Teen Moms

In this picture he's 2. I'm 19.

 Last week, Mommalogues posted a series of video clips where big name and celebrity bloggers weighed in on the question, “What advice would you give a teen mom?” I watched with interest. It’s not the first time I’ve admitted it; I was a teen mom. I’m also not bashful about admitting it was a tough slog. Sadly, I was a bit upset by the responses I saw these bloggers give in their videos. It’s not that they were rude, or malicious, or judgmental (at least, not intentionally). It was that there were several women who had not been teen moms weighing in, and to a certain extent, missing the mark.

While teen mothers should be treated like other mothers in every way possible, the advice that would apply to a new mother in her 30s does not necessarily apply to a mother in her teens. This is an important distinction. Granted, teen pregnancy is on the decline nationally, and across all ethnicities. Teen motherhood, however, is still prevalent in certain areas of our nation—particularly rural and urban areas—and giving the right kind of advice and the right kind of support is imperative.

I got to thinking that perhaps some teen moms would actually like to hear advice from another teen mom. Someone who knows what they are facing, and has faced it and lived to tell the tale. So, instead of six videos which reiterate that a teen mom needs to put her baby first and get as much help as she can, let me provide some of the tips I wish someone would have shared with me.

Know what prevents pregnancy, and double up.

I got pregnant while using birth control, but the truth is most teens do not know enough about how to prevent pregnancy. Teens—you need to know how to prevent pregnancy, and you need to know it before you plan on engaging in sexual behaviors. It’s best to talk to a doctor or a nurse about it. Don’t rely on your friends. Don’t even rely on your family, unless your family member is a healthcare professional. Talk to a doctor. Ladies, you can speak to a doctor about your sexual health with privacy. You can get birth control from numerous places, including Planned Parenthood, clinics, and health departments. You can, and must, be in charge of your reproductive health. And just so you know, the CDC recommends that you double up on birth control. Using the pill AND condoms would have likely prevented my pregnancy, it prevents failures in one method of birth control, and it also prevents the transmission of disease.

Know as much as you can about everything pregnancy and baby.

If you are pregnant, make sure you read everything about pregnancy and childbirth and newborns/infants that you can get your hands on. Older mothers can feel excited about their pregnancies and even more confident with themselves than teens and this often translates into reading and preparing in every way possible. You should do the same. Don’t be afraid to ask your doctor(s) questions. Don’t be afraid to ask other mothers. Educate yourself. Knowing what to expect, and knowing when there may be a problem is the most important way you can keep you and your baby safe from harm. Your body will be changing, and the best way to ensure that these changes don’t scare you is to know what’s going on. The same goes for childbirth—it’s scary for any new mother—and you want to be prepared. When it comes to newborns, you should really make sure you know your stuff. Newborns are difficult, and while you cannot be prepared for everything that may happen (children will always surprise you), the more you know, the better parent you will be and the better you will feel about it.

Develop a thick skin.

Okay, let’s be blunt. There are some people who are going to be rude to you. They are going to say insensitive things. They may mean to, or it may be unintentional, but you are going to be judged, and you are going to get your feelings hurt. You do not have time to go head to head with everyone, and you do not have the energy to educate everyone about your situation. I wish this wasn’t the case, but it just is. Some people are hell-bent on being rude, and others just don’t understand that what they’re saying cuts deep. You need to learn to pick your battles (if someone acts threatening to you or your child—and yes, this includes the father of the child or your family), you have the right to calmly and firmly stand up for yourself. Otherwise, get yourself a thick skin and let the judgment and insensitivities roll off of you. You have more important things to do than to let these individuals get you down.

Surround yourself with the right kind of people.

Another blunt truth—you are going to lose friends. I’m sorry. This can even happen to mothers in their twenties and thirties. People are in different stages in their lives at different times. You are now a mother. Some of your friends are not going to be able to deal with that. That being said, you can surround yourself with supportive people. You may be able to work out a deal with a parent or other family member to allow you to go out with your friends or baby’s father once a week for a fun evening. My mother pushed me to do this—Friday nights were my night to be a teenager again, and she would watch my son. Sometimes you can find friends who are willing to do child-related things with you and your baby. I had a wonderful group of friends in college that did not mind watching Disney movies and ordering in or always meeting at my house for girl-time after my son was in bed. Sometimes you can even find a support group of other teen mothers who understand exactly what you are dealing with and can provide support.

Have a Plan B and a Plan C.

Ladies—you may have the best of intentions when it comes to anything like studying for school, getting the baby to the sitter’s before work, or going out with your friends, but sooner or later, something is going to come up with the baby and you’re going to be out of luck. The baby is sick, the babysitter bails, the car stops working, the weather acts up, anything. Always, ALWAYS, think of a plan B. Have a backup plan—it happens to all of us sooner or later, and it will happen to you. If something on your schedule absolutely has to be done (like you have to study for a test at school, let’s say), make sure to think of a backup plan. Sometimes it seems like the universe is messing with people who don’t have a backup plan, but the honest truth is that if you have a plan B and a plan C, you have a much better chance of getting done everything you plan to get done. This could mean something as large as finishing high school and going to college, or even something as simple as getting the bottles washed by the end of the evening with a colicky baby.  

Believe in yourself.

This is going to be a tough road. Being a teen, a student, a mother, and perhaps even an employee at the same time is a lot. You know you are working hard—and you should also know how awesome you are for doing it. You love your baby. You have made a choice to be all of these things at once because you felt it was the right thing for you. You are working hard to care for your child and for yourself. You will not always be perfect—you are human—but you can do this. Believe in yourself—you are your biggest advocate and your child’s biggest advocate in this world. You will need to remind yourself of this many times throughout the next several years—when someone says something hurtful, when something doesn’t work according to plan, when there’s a roadblock or a setback. You can do this. You will overcome obstacles. You can be a loving mother and a good student and a good employee. I know you can do it. I put myself through college with a child in tow. I earned a master’s degree. I got a good job that I love and with excellent benefits and a wonderful boss. These things are possible for you! Do not settle, do not let others drag you down, and do not berate yourself. This can be tough, but if you believe in yourself, you will accomplish what you set out to do.

Are you or were you a teen mother? How did you feel about the videos at Mommalogues? What advice would you give a teen mother today?