Snownami 2013

Oh, it looks so pretty! Until it attacks you, that is...

If you’ve seen me on Facebook or Twitter any time over the past two weeks, you know we received some snow. Or, more aptly put, a shit-ton of snow. Missouri prefers a debilitating ice storm to a blizzard, so when we get a decent-sized snowstorm every few years, we’re out of practice. It always seems to come as surprise.

At this point in time, you might be saying to your computer, “Well, Sarah, you know they have this thing called the ‘weather’. You could check it, you know. It comes on the TV and the internet, and you can even get it on your phone. And then you could plan accordingly.”

And you would be right. Except, the weather people lied two weeks ago, when the first (yes, there’s been more than one) snowstorm hit. What was supposed to be three to six inches ended up being thundersnow (have you ever seen that?) that dropped a foot on us in a period of a few hours.

You would think, with my Type-A, only child, perfectionism, I would have been prepared for a snowstorm. You would be wrong. Let me illustrate by highlighting some major points in my day, two Thursdays ago, when ‘Storm Q’ hit:

8:00am           I go to work. The boys are out of school for the impending snowstorm, but I plan to work this morning. There’s nothing happening, and not a flake to be seen. I have a meeting to set up at 11:00—which is also when the heavy stuff it supposed to hit—and as soon as I get everyone situated, I can head back home. I live three miles away from campus, so it’s not like I’ll be making a trek through the wilderness in a blizzard like Pa in Little House on the Prairie.

I have just destined myself to suffer, by the way.

9:00am           Huh. It’s starting to snow.

10:00am         Damn. It’s really snowing. Good thing the plow trucks are going by! If they keep the roads okay, I should still be good in an hour or so.

11:15am         I am heading out the door. There is snow everywhere. I’m thinking we may already have six inches on the ground. I don’t know what the plow trucks have been doing when they drove by, but it doesn’t look like this road has been plowed at all. What the heck? Was that lightening?

11:30am         I watch traffic come to a creeping halt on the road home. At first I think it’s because the wind is gusting so bad that visibility is virtually zero. Then when the wind lets up for a bit, I see that a plow ahead of me has run off the road. The guys get out and start directly all of us behind them to turn around.

11:45am         I am now heading AWAY from my house. I can’t go down this road to the right; three people have spun out. I cannot go down these two roads to the left; people are stuck. Traffic is now not moving to the north or to the south. K calls me to see where I am.

12:30pm         Why didn’t I fill the car with gas? Why didn’t I bring my cell phone charger? Why does Ant keep texting me asking if I can see all the snow? I am in the middle of the damn snownami, kid! K calls me to see where I am.

1:00pm           I try to pull the car off in a parking lot so I can walk back to work. I’ve just received a text saying the campus is in full closure. J’s work is closing, and he’s pushing people out of the mall parking lot and onto the road because there’s about nine inches on the ground and no one can drive.  I am still going to wrong way, if ‘going’ is what you call it when you’re not moving. The parking lot maneuver didn’t work. Now I’m stuck. K calls me to see where I am.

1:30pm           I am running low on gas, I have been at this shit for over two hours, I haven’t moved down the road, I am soaking wet from digging out the wheels, but by God, I AM NO LONGER STUCK. I did it, bitches! Well, actually six undergrads took pity on me, and helped push my two ton car out. Remind me to never pull into a parking lot, again. K calls me to see if I’m still stuck.

2:00pm           J: I am coming to get you!

Me: NO! Save yourself! Someone has to live for the children!

J: NO! I will rescue you! I will come and get you!

Me: You will get stuck just like me! You will be stuck for hours!

J: Oh, that’s okay. I filled up my car and grabbed the phone charger this morning.

Bastard.

2: 15pm          We are moving! We are moving! I am going to make it to this next intersection and they will have it plowed and I can start driving in the right direction and I will make it home, and I can meet J at the grocery store parking lot and we can caravan home together and I might even find an open gas station!

2:30pm           Huh, this road hasn’t been plowed. Thank goodness no one else is on it! I’ll make it through the hills as long as I don’t have to stop! K calls me to see where I am.

2:32pm           Oh. My. God. That hill is like a damn parking lot. There must be thirty cars spun out on that damn thing. Most of them are Jeeps and SUVs…

2:35pm           J: I am going to walk to where you are.

Me: You are going to walk a mile to me, in the blizzard, with a shovel? Because I don’t need you so much, but we sure as hell could use a bigger shovel to get some of these cars out of the middle of the road.

3:00pm           We’ve pushed enough cars out of the way that we now have a decent path to get up the hill. I have traction control and all-wheel drive and a transmission I can switch to manual. And now? Now I have my shovel-wielding husband with me. We’ll leave his car at the grocery store, and get ourselves home.

3:10pm:          We clear the hill, and come to the next hill, where everyone we’ve just pushed out has gotten stuck, again. You have got to be kidding me! J’s driving, and so he whips the car around in the middle of the road and starts going back the way we came.

3:12pm           Holy crap! More people have gotten stuck and have clogged up the spot we just freaking cleared! J whips the car around onto a side road that hasn’t been touched, but also is void of any other cars. K calls to see where we are.

3:25pm           Our street! Our street! I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM…Oh, no. No, dude in front of us, don’t stop. Don’t stop, don’t stop!

3:30pm           I have walked home—where the boys are shoveling the drive for us. I grab them to help get the car unstuck.

3:40pm           We get the car to the driveway, and we have to “unstuck” it again to get it IN the driveway.

3:45pm           This is my house! These are my children! These are our things! I will have dry clothes! And a hot bath! And beer! And I WILL MAKE SOUP!

3:50pm           I email my boss and tell her I’ll be working from home the next day. She writes back immediately and tells me that’s a great idea. I won’t have to drive in this crap for three more days!

At least this story has a happy ending, and no one in our town was seriously injured in the craziness. The news reported that several of the highways around us also had to shut down, and people were stuck on the roads in some places until nine that night. Also, this is the first of many wild snow stories we had over the past two weeks… During the next storm we lose power and INTERNET! I watched two trash trucks get stuck on our road. And, Sophie develops an elaborate ritual for going outside after falling through a snow bank…

An Hour in the Life Of…

These occurrences take place in the hour between 5pm and 6pm…

5:01: I realize it’s time to go home, but I’m in the middle of something, so I quickly try to wrap things p and head home. J has to work late, which means I have to handle dinner, dishes, homework, laundry and the associated household crap solo tonight. There’s no time to waste.

5:20: I’m booking it out of the office by now. I usually pick up Ant in about five minutes, so I’m running pretty far behind.

5:25: It usually only takes me a few minutes to get home, since we live like, three freaking miles from my work (the joys of small college town life), but traffic is backed up. Way backed up. Beyond ‘school is in session’ backed up—which isn’t even possible, since school is NOT in session.

5:30: I realize that I’m stuck in traffic because there’s a police standoff occurring right ahead of me, on the right. I’m going to have to drive through it. There’s camera crews setting up directly to my left. (You can actually read more about this over at Sprocket Ink today—the standoff that wasn’t really…)

5:40: I finally get to the school to pick up Ant. I’m late for my usual time, but not “LATE.” Thank goodness for small miracles. Why are the afterschool teachers holding an accident report? Why do they have such looks of consternation on their faces?

5:45: After school teacher is having a hard time coming up with the right words to describe the situation. Apparently Ant fell off the swings and had the wind knocked out of him, but, why did the other two children jump on him?

5:48: Apparently the other children thought he was dead and were attempting to resuscitate him, Grey’s Anatomy-style. Ant’s not truly injured, but apparently he found the face-slapping to illicit a response from him somewhat disquieting…

5:50: We’re driving by the nature trail when Mrs. Deer decides to jump out directly in front of my car. I cannot freaking stop in time! Son of an effing…

5:50:30: Mrs. Deer jumps back to the right side of the road. I bring the car to a squealing halt. I have a heart attack and die. I look to my right, and see several more deer (where there’s one, there’s more) staring at us.

They're cute until they try to attack you... Photo Source

5:51: Ant whispers to me, “Why are they staring at us, Momma? It’s creeping me out!” I notice the city bus climbing the hill behind us, and wonder if the driver can see me…

5:51:30: I punch the gas to avoid collision with bus or deer-kind, and get home as quickly as I can (about two minutes).

5:53: Ant and I run into the house, certain that the universe (or at the very least, the deer in the area) is trying to kill us. I lock all the doors and collapse on the couch.

5:54: K walks into the living room, glances at me, and asks, “Geez, what’s the matter with you?”

5:58: I make the conscious decision to forget doing anything of value this evening.

Repeat Week- Tales of a Super Dog

Welcome to day three of repeat week! I’ve reintroduced you to the Nana, and Jasonisms, and now….

It’s Super-Sophie’s turn. This is the dog who I KNOW can see in color, since she hates (and by hates, I mean fears) all things green. Including trees. And grass. And the refrigerator magnets of that color. You cannot even imagine what decorating for Christmas is like…

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Tales of a Super Dog

 

It’s not easy being a big, black, misbehaved dog.

We were a little concerned when we first moved. It was uncertain how Sophie would handle the new digs. Granted, she’s young, and an indoor dog, and very much part of the family. The pack would be there with her, the pack’s things as well. It’s just that she happens to be neurotic.

It’s not enough to call her neurotic. To understand the full depths of her neuroses, one must describe some of Sophie’s life.

Sophie thinks the kitchen table is her domain—her secret cave. She hides there in the new house, just as she did in the old. It is the touchstone of her secret power. This is all to say that she gets very angry when you approach the kitchen table.

You know, like when you plan to eat, or something.

Also, Sophie does not understand why we continue to place socks in the hamper. The hamper is not where socks belong, in Sophie’s world.

Where do they belong? Under the table, of course.

She also does not like to eat food over her bowl, or over the tile, for that matter. She prefers to eat her food over the carpet, so that I can vacuum afterwards.

Sophie really wants to play with other dogs in the neighborhood. She is really friendly, when there’s something like glass, or a fence, or a TV screen separating her and the other dog. Once they are close enough to sniff, however… Well, we think that she’s afraid that she will be confused for a dog if she associates with other dogs.

When Sophie is angry, she turns her back to you. When she finds you to be boring, or not following her directives, she shakes her head from side to side, flapping her ears. When she thinks you’re being an idiot, she cocks her head to one side and gives you a withering look.

See- you have a better idea of her now, don’t you?

The worst thing about the move for Sophie was completely unexpected. We got a place with two stories, and well, at the old house, Sophie was scared of stairs. Read: In over two years at the old house, Sophie did not go downstairs. So, naturally, we thought the stairs would be a problem. Secretly, I thought this may keep her out of our bed, so I was a tad bit excited.

She mastered the stairs on the second day. The draw of the bed was enough to overcome her fears.

The worst thing about the move for Sophie has been the cat. Not our cat. J has severe allergies (think immediate respiratory inflammation and gasping for breath) so cats are not an option. The cat in question is a resourceful old Tom who doesn’t really belong to anyone in the neighborhood. He doesn’t need to belong to anyone; he’s doing just fine on his own, thank you.

He likes hanging out around here. He likes the willow tree in the front yard. He likes the neighbor’s trash. And he likes tormenting Sophie through the front window.

Tom: Oh, hello! Me? Are you barking at me? Why, I’m just a little kitty, sitting in front of this tree here! I think I may need to wash my face. Oh, and now I feel the need to preen, just a bit. That’s better. A stretch, now, and then a claw scratch on the bark of the willow. What? Am I BOTHERING you?

Sophie: BARK, BARK, BARK, Whine.

Tom: I’m sorry; I can’t seem to hear you through this glass. I’m going to come closer now, and you just speak up. I’m going to stand within two feet of your window, certainly in your pack’s territory, and you just bark loudly, and maybe we can understand each other.

Sophie: BARK, BARK, BARK, Whine.

This goes on for hours, each day, and that’s just what I can account for when I’m home. How does one remove a resourceful old Tom from your neighborhood? How do you convince him to move along? Well, you don’t. He can’t be caught, cajoled, or swayed in any way. He’s very resourceful. It has fallen to us to learn how to change the inherent behavior of our neurotic dog instead.

Wish us luck!

Experiencing Technical Difficulties… Please Stand By

We thwarted the last week of June by running off to another state on vacation, and while I briefly hoped that our awesome vacation meant that the bad luck June always brings would be over, I’ve now come to realize that by being gone, we were just delaying what the last week of June had in mind for us-- until the first week of July.

You know it’s hot outside when I start speaking in 65-word long run-on sentences, FYI.

Although, perhaps, I knew deep down inside that I was going to have to pay for those days by the pool, the mild temperatures, and the relatively pain-free drives.

If you’re unfamiliar with how June tries to kill me (okay, maybe not kill me, but certainly annoy me) each year, read this, and this, and then this. Prior years have been even worse. June is my Thebes month.

This year, I’ve been bitten on the leg by a pit-bull (in my own yard), I’ve been stung by a wasp (and had to go on Allergic Reaction Deathwatch 2012), I’ve been attacked by the world’s largest moth (the vermin trifecta!), and I attempted to fix a broken shower with no success. Also, our washer decided to break down (how dare the 12-year-old appliance require maintenance. Sheesh!), but that didn’t make the blog, because I fixed it.

When in doubt, shove a pencil in it. That’s my motto. I bet I could have fixed the shower, if I had any place to shove a pencil into.

This week alone I’ve dealt with broken wifi, an unexpected loss of 3G service in our area (this makes blogging difficult) and massively hot temperatures. All of the creatures in the wild are so hot and thirsty (moderate drought now with burn bans—marching towards water shortages and severe drought throughout the summer) that they keep coming up to our house in an effort to get inside.

Then Ant got sick with a nasty cold. And then sicker, with an amazing cough. And now we think he may have picked up vaccine resistant pertussis in the House of the Mouse.

Then the air conditioning broke last night. It’s currently 99 degrees, and slated to get even hotter this afternoon (104). The heating and air guys promise to show up sometime tonight. Yeah, tonight.

So the tales of our awesome vacation and the associated pictures? Yeah, that’s going to have to wait. If I were to brag right now, the universe would up the ante, I’m sure. Plus, I’m busy having a very warm pity party for myself right now.

Do you have an unlucky month? Are you currently affected by the drought, the power outages on the east coast, or were you flooded out during the tropical storm? Are you starting to think that maybe the Mayans were on to something?