The Imperfect Mother’s Guide to Feeding Children

It’s one of the most expensive and time consuming things that a parent has to do: feeding the children. The suckiest part is that they expect you to feed them EVERY SINGLE DAY. Sometimes more than once! Why didn’t other parents warn us about this potential landmine before we had kids? Good grief.

When those little bundles first come into our lives, they are easy to feed. For the first six months (unless you have children like mine, who were both up to 80 (yes, eighty) ounces of formula within the first month and had to be put on food early, since they started losing weight) you have the breast or the bottle. It’s not the most convenient, I know (colic, cluster feeding, judgmental strangers, you name it) but at least you know what they are eating each day, how much they are eating, and all that jazz.

Even after six months, feeding your children can be fun. Cereal time? Photo op! First veggie? Photo op! Look at me meticulously mashing up this banana! Look how happy that baby is to eat something other than formula or breast milk!

Then it all starts to go to hell… and you begin to wonder what you are supposed to do. I’m here to help, folks.

The Toddler Years: “NO!”

Your child has become a demon. Literally, she is possessed. She says no to everything throughout the day, but absolutely refuses to eat anything you place in front of her. She may have even found cookies, from some well-intentioned stranger or grandmother. You have no idea how you are going to go about cramming calories into that little body, so that she can live to fight and scream “NO!” or “I do it!” at you another day.

Yeah, he's spitting that out. pmeidinger

There was a period of time where the only thing K would eat is saltine crackers, cereal bars, yogurt, and apple juice. This went on for months. I finally broke down with his pediatrician (who had five children of his own) about how I was afraid he was going to die from malnutrition. To which Dr. S. responded with, “Meh. No he won’t. Give him a Flintstone’s if you’re that worried, but he’ll eat when he’s hungry again.”

That man was right on the money. K eventually began eating real food (like meat and bread and cheese) when he was four. And he didn’t die. Your kid won’t die either, and there’s no use arguing with a toddler. Just give them the damn yogurt.

The Preschool Years: Plate Pushing

They no longer scream no at you, but they whine about every freaking dinner you make, unless it’s mac and cheese. The fact that they are finally eating mac and cheese (miracle of miracles) has lost its warm, fuzzy feeling. And when they’re not whining, they are pushing that food around on their plate, trying to make a work of art that will distract you from the fact they did not eat the broccoli.

You catch on quickly, but then they up the ante. It becomes an arms race that puts the Cold War to shame.

You beg, you bargain, you cajole, and you bribe. You may even count bites. None of that works. You want to know what does work? Ignoring it. Seriously. Put the food on the plate. Don’t pay attention to if they eat it or not. And do not offer anything else for them to eat. You’re not a short order cook. It takes about three days for them to decide that something is better than nothing.

If they are very stubborn (as my children tend to be) and they still won’t eat supper after a week of ignoring their full plate, then when they whine tell them that they can make their own dinner, since you’re only going to be making one that evening. Then make it impossible for them to make their own dinner. You can be creative here—hide the snacks. Make sure they know the stove is off limits. All’s fair in food wars. Soon they will give up on this crazy quest, and start placing something you’ve prepared in their mouths. I promise.

The School-Age Years: Normal People Don’t Make Bento Box School Lunches

The kiddo is off to kindergarten, and you think the school lunches may be suspect. You want to pack their lunch AND you want to prove to your husband that Pinterest has some useful purpose in your lives. So you buy the bento boxes and a million little foods to cram pack in there. Then, by no later than week two, you realize that you’re spending a small fortune and the twenty minutes it takes you to assemble that puppy is twenty minutes you could actually be spending on Pinterest. 

This is NOT NORMAL.

 Please don’t think you are going to cut out your child’s sandwich into zoo shapes with fun cookies cutters until they hit middle school.  If it’s old for you, it’s getting old for them. Please don’t think that you have to make a special veggie chili for them to nosh on at school. And, for the love of God, please realize that they have 25 minutes, at most, for both lunch and recess. Unless you are raising a future foodie (like I am with Ant), at least 20 of those minutes are going to be spent on the playground in nice weather. Cut up fruit. Make quick sandwiches. Better yet, place crackers, cheese and three small slices of ham in there. Throw in some hummus, pita bread, and pepper strips. Go for the boxed juice or milk (the thermos WILL LEAK) and cut down on the mess. Make it easy.

And know that they will not be taking a packed lunch by fourth grade. It’s just not going to happen, no matter how hard you try.

The Junk Food Years: Better Start Saving Now

You just went shopping three days ago, spent $150, and now the refrigerator is empty. Even the pot roast is missing. What the hell happened? Well, I hate to break it to you, but you have one (or more—depending on how much you spend at the store per week) teenage boy. And he likely ate the roast raw, so watch him for e-coli.

Not only does your teenage son eat like a sumo wrestler, he’s eating the most random shit you can imagine. On Monday, he eats an entire box of cereal after school. Tuesday means that he found the hidden Easter candy, and then tells you that you’ll need to buy more for the baskets. On Wednesday, he ate three packets of Easy Mac and then eight chicken breast patties. You celebrate, because you see the cookie sheet that he stuck them on still in the oven. On Thursday he just eats peanut butter straight from the jar until it’s gone.

I shit you not. You’ll consider master locking the pantry and chaining the refrigerator.

It’s important at this time to label (in Sharpie, so he can’t rub it off) the things in the fridge that are needed for meals (for the rest of you—he’ won’t be hungry for dinner, after foraging for an hour after school), and then perhaps even make a special shelf in the pantry that he’s allowed to attack each day after school. But most of all, accept that it’s going to happen this way. Especially if he’s in sports.

Teen girls are no laughing matter, however, and I refuse to joke about this part. If she stops eating, you need to be careful. Or if she binges after school, won’t really eat supper, and then wants to exercise, watch her behaviors. I am of the mind that body image issues and eating disorders are much more prevalent (in both guys and girls) than we like to believe, and we need to help our teens find the right balance at this time. You have Google; learn a bit about the warning signs of an eating disorder. If you suspect one, take her to a doctor (I suggest avoiding the pediatrician on this one- find someone with experience in this type of thing) and have a professional back you up. Teens don’t like listening to any adults, but they are more likely to listen to a doctor than their parent.

Finally:

A few last words of advice:

Realize that every single child is different. You may have a picky eater and a natural-born health nut. They may switch their roles after several years. I know that this happened to my kids.

Realize that they may do something new and unexpected that is not covered here, or anywhere else. Children and eating habits is a no-man’s land of unexpected traits and surprises. Try to roll with it.

Realize that their tastes are completely different than yours—due to personality AND biology. Don’t try to fight over personal taste—you will not beat personality and biology. They will always beat you. Always. Save your energy for something more important, like piercings, or miniskirts.

This is what we're trying to avoid, people! raidthafridge.com