Then I realized that imperfect mothers are saving the Earth!

It hit me in the shower. I know many people say they get inspired in the shower, but I’m not one of them. My showers are usually a five minute affair of (hopefully) removing the grime in a semi-conscious state. There’s not much thinking going on in there, other than the avoidance of the soap in eyes.

Seriously, that’s my shower mantra. Do. NOT. Get. Soap. In. Eyes. Watch the Eyes! It’s how I cope, before coffee. Mantras, that is.

But today, I had an awake shower, it lasted more than five minutes (because I actually got up on time!), and I had a thought while shaving my legs. I know; it’s a red letter day around these here parts! A thought, a shower, and shaved legs? I am firing on all cylinders!

Back to my (post-Earth day) thought: the more ‘imperfect’ you are as a mother; the more you are doing to save the environment. I know! It’s awesome, isn’t it? It makes all of us imperfect mothers feel that much better about ourselves! Let me lay out my example by showcasing some of the things the Environmental Protection Department considers to be responsible stewardship, and how the imperfect mother accomplishes them:

Turn off lights/use lower wattage bulbs: The imperfect mother has been doing this for years. This way, you cannot see the fact that she hasn’t vacuumed in two weeks, or that stack o’ crap piling up in the dining room corner. Or how dirty the counters really are. Mood lighting is an accurate term—having enough lights on in the house to see the stacks of things needing to be put away always puts me in a bad mood…and the reverse has an opposite effect.

Only do full loads of clothes/dishes: Hello? I have boys! I haven’t seen a half-load of laundry in about 14 years! And running the dishwasher without it being full? Right! I have AT LEAST one full load of dishes each and every day. We did three loads of dishes on Sunday. But the imperfect mother’s trick: have the kids do the laundry and the dishes. Tell them that they will have to hand-wash the dishes that won’t fit, or run another load of laundry if the clothes don’t fit. They will make sure everything fits, no matter what it takes! It does help if you have an extra-large capacity washer, though.

Don’t overstock your fridge: The more you place in your fridge, the harder it has to work, right? Well, the imperfect mother never keeps that sucker fully stocked. There’s always room for air circulation. Her refrigerator is not costing her four dollars a day in electric bills. Plus, if she has teenager(s), she can buy $200 worth of groceries, bring them home, be putting them away, and the teen will make sure that half of them never make it to the fridge in the first place.

Reduce shower time: The imperfect mother doesn’t have time for daily, luxuriantly long showers, nor does she care. She knows how to horse-bath it, and how to have her kids horse-bath it. Also, she may employ the bath time assembly-line; where you stick all three kids in the same tub, and have them wash each other’s hair. That works—water conserved! And using bathwater to mop the floor in the bathrooms—which is an actual suggestion on the EPD website? Duh! My kids and the dog have been soaking the floor in bath water for years.

Only water your lawn/flowers when absolutely necessary: I say if you choose not to water it at all, that just means you have to weed/mow a whole lot less! The imperfect mother knows there are more important things than watering the grass.

Don’t use as many household cleaners: This one is so easy, it should be self-explanatory. The imperfect mother knows that the best way to reduce the amount of cleaners used is to reduce the amount of times you use them in the first place. Who really wants to scrub the toilet that often? Dust every single week? Really? Also—you have the added benefit of making your kids’ immune systems stronger!

Turn off and unplug unused electronics: I call this one “Lock the kids outside,” and I learned it from the Nana. Granted, this is not going to work if you have a toddler or live in a high rise apartment building, but in a second I will tell you about my winter and bad behavior options—which I think will apply to you as well. This is my favorite imperfect mothering move because it’s a combo platter of healthy development, exercise and mental wellness. During the summer, in particular, I shove the kids outside for an hour and lock the door as I prepare dinner. I usually place something that they can shoot or hurl at one another in their hands before pushing them out the door, to maximize the amount of time they are engaged. They are outside, running around, getting exercise in sunlight and fresh air, and I am inside, where I can turn off everything and unplug all of the random crap that we didn’t need on in the first place. Then I have peace and quiet as I prepare dinner. They get all the benefits of imaginative free play. All the while, I’m saving the earth. If the weather is nasty, I force them up to their rooms to entertain themselves without electronic media. With toddlers this would have the added benefit of learning to entertain/soothe yourself—which was always the first big kid skill I wanted my kiddos to master. Another variation of this could be the perfectly silent homework hour—which I have also employed at one time or another. Like last night. I’ll work on dinner, and you will complete your homework with the only electrical current in a 20 feet radius of you running to the light over your head.

Tip: Send them outside with reusable water bottles, and teach them how to use the garden hose. That way, they can’t wrangle their way back inside by begging for a drink. I learned that one the hard way.

I could go on forever, but I think you get the gist of it. Plus, I want to hear some of yours—because those things that we continuously aggravate ourselves with, the things we always feel we are doing wrong—we are actually doing them right! We need to get off this kick of thinking our houses need to be perfectly clean and all of our clothes need to be washed and our children need to be adequately extra-curriculared.  The more imperfections we have as parents-- the more we don’t do-- equates to the more we are doing for our kids, for humanity, for the earth, as a whole.

At least, that’s what I’m telling myself!

P.S. I went to find a definition of horse bath for you (in case you did not grow up in a small hick town), and while I was expecting to perhaps run across some redneck interwebs craziness, I ended up learning that there are people who snort the salts used to bathe horses in stables! What? Are you freaking kidding me? Will you just crush anything and stick it up your nose? Sheesh. Now I’m scared to post horse bath on this blog, and have the kind of people who will snort bath salts show up and here and be greatly disappointed. But I’m going to do it anyway. Just because I like seeing what will show up on my Google search terms.

P.P.S. Horse bath, in the sense that I am using it, means to do a wash cloth wipe down and then spray with perfume/cologne. It does not involve the snorting of bath salts, which still sounds really gross and vaguely creepy.