Fear

The past few days have been melancholy for me, and a lot of that has to do with the events in Japan.

“Yes,” you may say, “What is occurring in Japan is a tragedy. It has very sad.” What you likely do not know is 1) How quickly I can internalize events in which I’ve taken no part, and 2) events in the Japan on the past week and a half encompass what I would consider to be my top three fears:

1)     Earthquakes. I freaking hate earthquakes. I have the feeling of the ground moving beneath me. I live in a place which, while not exactly earthquake prone, when it does get rolling, it really gets rolling. Two hundred years ago, when the new Madrid Seismic Zone really got to moving, they felt the main event up and down the East coast—hundreds of miles away.

2)     The prospect of drowning.

3)     Nuclear fallout. Granted, when this horrific dreamscape usually invades my dreams, I see large mushroom clouds and shock waves. We also happen to live in an area that relies on nuclear power, however, and now I see that large reactor tower—sitting in the midst of hay and corn fields—in my dreams.

Normally, I would try to avoid coverage of these events. I blame Anderson Cooper for making the coverage so compelling. I can’t look away. One tsunami survivor tried to describe the smell—and I flashed back to the smell of New Orleans seven months after Katrina: pennies and oil and mold and rot.

I understand why the survivor tried to describe the smell. The most compassionate television viewer cannot truly comprehend an event of this magnitude until your 360 degree view is destruction and the smell permeates your clothes and then your skin.

You see? I internalize.

I also blame Rachel Maddow for making me remember everything from physics class that I had intentionally repressed.

Between Japan, the freak March snowstorm that struck last week, and my work computer requiring life saving measures after encountering a virus, I’ve spent the past week downright bummed.

When bummed out or anxiety-ridden, I usually try to find the funniest blog posts for a quick pick me up. The Bloggess usually does the trick. This time, she had a link to zombie ants. A fungus infects the ants, they leave the colony, and die in a place conducive to fungal growth. Great.  Zombies. Fungus.

And I like zombies! I think you do as well, since my recent zombie post is the most viewed post this month. A co-worker brought me a silly catalog with zombie merchandise to cheer me up. Alas, it was after the zombie ant click-over, and that just can’t be undone.

You see, J and I always talk of the zombie apocalypse when referencing emergency contingency plans. We started this so that it wouldn’t be scary for the boys. Granted, I understand that zombies are scary—but zombies aren’t real (yet) and tornados or floods are, and beyond our control.

“Mommy—what’s the bottled water for?” “Zombie apocalypse!”
“Why are you putting a new first aid kit in the car?” “Zombie apocalypse!”

“Boys, in the event of an emergency, when we meet  at the mailbox?” “Fires and earthquakes!”

“And when do we meet in the downstairs bathroom?” “Tornados and the zombie apocalypse!”

All of this has made me think of fear. I am, by nature, an anxiety-ridden, glass half-empty kind of girl. I worry—a lot. About everything. Sometimes this is helpful—at work, for instance. Sometimes, however, it immobilizes me, and that’s not good at all. Ellie, another blogger I read, has written about this recently as well. I suppose I am not the only one thinking about fear.

I’ve developed a handful of strategies for coping with my anxiety and often they work. Disasters, though, like what is occurring in Japan, send me reeling.  What astonishes me is how calm everyone on the news coverage appears to be. How is it that they, in the midst of tragedy—hell, waist deep in it—can be so calm, while I, sitting on my comfy couch in relative safety, am freaking out?

All in all, I think a psychologist would have a field day with both my anxiety and my free association exercise here.