I stopped writing for about six weeks. I shouldn’t have done so, but I won’t apologize, and I won’t make excuses. However, this blog is meant to be a diary of our lives. It is supposed to be the place where I contemplate our journey—a journey that is supposed to lead us out of the abyss that damn-near swallowed us-- back to enjoyment, fulfillment, etc. You get the drift. So while I won’t apologize and I won’t make excuses for my behavior, I will explain. I hate to say this to you, but the explanation is less for you and more for me. I need to better understand what makes me tick. I share this with you because I think all of us do it, at one time or another.
A close friend of mine shared a piece of wisdom with me a few years back. It is one of those things you’ll carry with you for the rest of your life. Or, at least I will. I will share it with my children when they are older. It goes like this: Those things that you use to define yourself, those things about yourself that you state matter most, the things you tell yourself over and over again in your head (I am smart, I am pretty) they are usually directly related to your greatest fears (I am not smart enough, I am not pretty enough).
This is mine: I don’t seek external validation. I don’t need other people to tell me that I am a good person. I can validate myself. I know my own strengths and weaknesses, and I do not need to rely on other people to tell me what I am. In other words, I don’t really need other people, although I do like to be around people.
On Easter, I got my feelings hurt. It was a little thing. A trifle: something that should not have bothered me as much as it did, and it is not even worth sharing here. The effects, however, were much more significant than I could have imagined at the time. It started a spiral. It may be better to equate it to a snowball. It just kept rolling and rolling, getting larger as it went down the hill.
I realized that I was relying on someone else for validation, and I was not taking charge of the situation myself, and that I had actually gotten myself into a rut of relying on others. It made me want to close myself off. It made me feel very alone.
I get lonely easily. I do need people. I don’t like to admit this. I don’t like the idea of needing others. I don’t like to open myself up to possible disappointment.
So, it took six weeks, but I am slowly emerging from the rut. I know I need to put myself out there, reconnect with my friends, make new friends too, trust people to do what they say, go out and have fun and INTERACT! Most of all. Interact. Find things to do with others and make them happen.
I know I am going to need help with this. I hate asking for help, but there it is. It’s time to get over that.
I also need to get back to writing. This blogging exercise has been good for me in a variety of ways, but the best way has been that when I really focus on working on my writing each day, I get many more creative ideas, and all types of projects in my life seem to fall into place. This is a good for the me I know now, and the me I hope to become.
You know. That one who drinks coffee on her screened in porch in the mornings and writes, her house surrounded by woods. The one who got past the mental blocks (creative, emotional, and otherwise) that kept her from doing exactly want she wanted to do in life.
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