Free Association

My guess is that if you were attending SMS at roughly the same time I was, you were also forced into the lovely freshman comp program of the times. While my instructor was a very nice man, I hated that class. Not because I hate writing (I don’t), and not because I had a hard time coming up with essay topics (I have an opinion on everything, it seems), but because we opened up most of our class sessions with that crazy free-association writing exercise. Oh, how I hated the free association that was to take place in those 10-15 minutes every Tuesday and Thursday afternoon!

I had a journal full of free association writing, all filled with entries that looked a lot like this:

"I hate free association writing time! I have no idea what to write! Of course if you ask me to write anything down on a piece of paper (be willing to share with the class, of course) and tell me to start NOW, and my mind becomes a blank page. Empty. Nothing. No need for meditation. I know how to clear my mind. Free association writing. Any guru would be proud. What is he looking for? Is there something I am supposed to be writing? What does this guy want from me, anyways???”

Cut to more than a decade later.

I am trying to get in the habit of writing every day. For at least an hour. Not emails. Not presentations. Actual creative writing. This has been very difficult for me. I have trouble sticking to it every day. I have trouble finding topics that are worthy of sharing with others. I tend to look over previous work, and I just want to rip up the pages.

Oh yes. You can see how this is going to play out, right? This is where free association writing enters, stage right. Hey, I have limited ideas on how to overcome writer’s block, and frankly, free association was the last one on the darn list.

I am doing it, however. This was yesterday’s:

The school year is coming to a close. It is summer for me and the boys will follow suit in another two weeks. Soon I will have an eighth grader and a second grader on my hands. This tends to leave me feeling retrospective about parenting, about children growing up, about what my life will be like when they are grown and in college and gone.

I know this may be unpopular with many parents, but I try to live my life-- not for my kids-- but for myself. I know a lot of moms who give up everything to attend Halloween parties at school and shuttle children to baseball practice and dance class. I admire them for their choices, but I was never interested in being that type of parent. I remember my first foray into stay at home parenting. It wasn’t pretty. I do not enjoy it, and neither did my son. All of the emotional, creative, and cognitive energies within me should not be focused on only one point. I learned that the hard way; K was smarter than me and learned this quickly-- as an infant no less.

I was always afraid that after the children were grown I would be empty, hollow, lost, if I did not try to keep some parts of myself intact, even separate, from my children.

Now we have a child who is entering the eighth grade. Junior high! Ant will be joining his beloved first grade teacher in second grade next year. We are so excited at this prospect-he has flourished under her care this past academic year. Both children appear self sufficient, confident, ready to take on the world. They appear, at most times, to not need my assistance. Yet I have to ask myself, “Am I really doing everything that I wanted to be doing at this time in my life? Should I be doing more for myself? Should I be doing more for my children?”

“Was it wrong for me to pursue a professional life, and not give them absolutely everything of myself like other parents may have?”

I keep coming back to “no”. There are some times, obviously, where you should put you children first. Feeding them on a regular basis is an apt example! Making sure they are clean and safe. There are other times when you should come first, however.

I don’t like to give up what I am doing (whether it is housework or reading a book or anything else you can think of) just because they’re bored. I think that’s something that they need to figure out themselves, and frankly, I refuse to schedule up every little bit of their free time so that they actually have to navigate these waters. I am not a trained monkey, only there to provide them with their every whim and desire when it comes to entertainment.

I am something more than that. I am a whole lot more than that. I want them to realize that they can be a whole lot more than that. What kind of example does it set when I spend 18 years of their life living solely for them? Does it only set them up to live their lives solely for someone else as well?

Viola! There is something (albeit in a very rough form) that other people (particularly mothers) may be interested in reading about. The mother guilt. The work-life balance. The fear that you are going to screw up your kids because you mad the right/wrong choices, and SHEESH, why did they ever let ME take that baby home from the hospital in the first place? Could they not see that I had no freaking clue what I was doing?

My watch comes with a manual to tell me how to set the time (and I needed it, too) but you are going to send me home with the words, “Do what feels natural!” Seriously? Does any of this feel natural to you?

Go with the flow. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Have a little faith.

But when it comes to parenting, for most of us, all of those clichés fly right out the window. WHY?