Adventures in Insomnia

We need something funny.  Or funny-ish.  Perhaps I’m tired of being sad for a bit. Perhaps I’m tired of the rainy, cloudy skies. Perhaps it’s the fact it’s always a bit of a bummer to return to work after a three day weekend. I’m not very good at speculating, but I do know we need to discuss something humorous.  What could possibly be more humorous than my insomnia?

Okay, I get it. Insomnia’s really not a joking matter. I’ve had it all my life, so while not an expert, I know as much as I ever would want to know about the affliction. That being said, the type of insomnia I’m experiencing now is not the normal, anxiety-induced, soul-crushing, cannot sleep for days on end type I typically experience. This is the type of insomnia that occurs when you spent a solid two months messing up your sleep schedule. Royally. So, there is SOME sleep involved. Let me explain:

I am no longer capable of sleeping in a bed. I toss and turn to the point I feel as if I am pulling my hair out by the roots from all the head moving. I fling arms and legs and covers everywhere. It’s like watching a clumsy ninja in slow motion.

I can sleep in a chair. I can sleep on a couch. I can sleep on the floor. I cannot sleep in a bed. I attribute this to my overnight hospital stays. Since March, I’ve slept in hospital chairs, wheel chairs, recliners, couches, cots, an air mattress more like a trampoline than a bed, and the floor. Give me a blanket, and I’m good to go. Except for when I’m presented with a bed.

I now cannot sleep without lights and background noise. I can sleep in a fully lit living room, with the lights on, the television blaring, and children wandering through causing trouble, but I cannot sleep in a quiet, dark room. I can even sleep through Sophie’s incessant barking and massive thunderstorms, but if you dare to turn the bathroom light off, my night’s rest is toast.

While I do get some sleep, you’d be kidding yourself if you think I can string seven to eight hours of sleep together in one session. I’ve become so acclimated to overnight shift-taking and nurses coming in every two hours to administer pain meds that if I sleep more than two and half hours, I wake in a panic. You know that panic—it’s the one that young mothers experience the first time the baby sleeps more than four hours in a stretch. So, I can usually tie two of these naps together for a night, and if I’m lucky (like I was last night) three, but there will be breaks in between my sleep now, and I’m still trying to figure out what exactly I’m going to do with those extra awake hours by myself that doesn’t involve watching some of the weirdest infomercials known to humankind. 

So far, I’ve accomplished reading a book (A BOOK!), and making coffee for myself all stealth-like. I have to be stealthy, because J (who normally would not concern himself with my insomnia, figuring one of us needs to get some sleep if I’m going to be out of commission for days) has become concerned with my new sleep habits, and has been trying to keep an eye on me.

So when I fall asleep watching TV on the couch, he’ll end up on the other couch. And when I fall asleep on the floor, he’ll end up snuggling up next to me, afraid I’ll get cold. He’s the Centurion to my Pandorica. And yes, I’m completely caught up on all of the Doctor Who I missed in the second half of this season. And I’m completely and totally Sherlocked.  I’ve caught up on my viewing, well, as much as On Demand will allow…

And Candy Crush! Oh, let me tell you about Candy Crush. I’m on level 253 now, and in the early hours of this morning (I’ve been up since 4:30am, even with my three nap bonus last night), I’ve managed to annihilate level 252. That’s the type of level where you have 30 seconds to score 15,000. I stopped after 45 minutes and eight million points, because I really, really had to pee. I’d already had three cups of coffee, you see.

I’m not certain how I’m going to get back into the swing of things-- sleeping in a bed all night long-- quite yet. At the same time, I don’t really think I’m ready for suggestions, either. I want to see where this is heading. Maybe Candy Crush will contact me and tell me I’m the highest scorer on that level and give me a prize… Or maybe I need to keep playing…