Some Real Advice For Teen Moms

In this picture he's 2. I'm 19.

 Last week, Mommalogues posted a series of video clips where big name and celebrity bloggers weighed in on the question, “What advice would you give a teen mom?” I watched with interest. It’s not the first time I’ve admitted it; I was a teen mom. I’m also not bashful about admitting it was a tough slog. Sadly, I was a bit upset by the responses I saw these bloggers give in their videos. It’s not that they were rude, or malicious, or judgmental (at least, not intentionally). It was that there were several women who had not been teen moms weighing in, and to a certain extent, missing the mark.

While teen mothers should be treated like other mothers in every way possible, the advice that would apply to a new mother in her 30s does not necessarily apply to a mother in her teens. This is an important distinction. Granted, teen pregnancy is on the decline nationally, and across all ethnicities. Teen motherhood, however, is still prevalent in certain areas of our nation—particularly rural and urban areas—and giving the right kind of advice and the right kind of support is imperative.

I got to thinking that perhaps some teen moms would actually like to hear advice from another teen mom. Someone who knows what they are facing, and has faced it and lived to tell the tale. So, instead of six videos which reiterate that a teen mom needs to put her baby first and get as much help as she can, let me provide some of the tips I wish someone would have shared with me.

Know what prevents pregnancy, and double up.

I got pregnant while using birth control, but the truth is most teens do not know enough about how to prevent pregnancy. Teens—you need to know how to prevent pregnancy, and you need to know it before you plan on engaging in sexual behaviors. It’s best to talk to a doctor or a nurse about it. Don’t rely on your friends. Don’t even rely on your family, unless your family member is a healthcare professional. Talk to a doctor. Ladies, you can speak to a doctor about your sexual health with privacy. You can get birth control from numerous places, including Planned Parenthood, clinics, and health departments. You can, and must, be in charge of your reproductive health. And just so you know, the CDC recommends that you double up on birth control. Using the pill AND condoms would have likely prevented my pregnancy, it prevents failures in one method of birth control, and it also prevents the transmission of disease.

Know as much as you can about everything pregnancy and baby.

If you are pregnant, make sure you read everything about pregnancy and childbirth and newborns/infants that you can get your hands on. Older mothers can feel excited about their pregnancies and even more confident with themselves than teens and this often translates into reading and preparing in every way possible. You should do the same. Don’t be afraid to ask your doctor(s) questions. Don’t be afraid to ask other mothers. Educate yourself. Knowing what to expect, and knowing when there may be a problem is the most important way you can keep you and your baby safe from harm. Your body will be changing, and the best way to ensure that these changes don’t scare you is to know what’s going on. The same goes for childbirth—it’s scary for any new mother—and you want to be prepared. When it comes to newborns, you should really make sure you know your stuff. Newborns are difficult, and while you cannot be prepared for everything that may happen (children will always surprise you), the more you know, the better parent you will be and the better you will feel about it.

Develop a thick skin.

Okay, let’s be blunt. There are some people who are going to be rude to you. They are going to say insensitive things. They may mean to, or it may be unintentional, but you are going to be judged, and you are going to get your feelings hurt. You do not have time to go head to head with everyone, and you do not have the energy to educate everyone about your situation. I wish this wasn’t the case, but it just is. Some people are hell-bent on being rude, and others just don’t understand that what they’re saying cuts deep. You need to learn to pick your battles (if someone acts threatening to you or your child—and yes, this includes the father of the child or your family), you have the right to calmly and firmly stand up for yourself. Otherwise, get yourself a thick skin and let the judgment and insensitivities roll off of you. You have more important things to do than to let these individuals get you down.

Surround yourself with the right kind of people.

Another blunt truth—you are going to lose friends. I’m sorry. This can even happen to mothers in their twenties and thirties. People are in different stages in their lives at different times. You are now a mother. Some of your friends are not going to be able to deal with that. That being said, you can surround yourself with supportive people. You may be able to work out a deal with a parent or other family member to allow you to go out with your friends or baby’s father once a week for a fun evening. My mother pushed me to do this—Friday nights were my night to be a teenager again, and she would watch my son. Sometimes you can find friends who are willing to do child-related things with you and your baby. I had a wonderful group of friends in college that did not mind watching Disney movies and ordering in or always meeting at my house for girl-time after my son was in bed. Sometimes you can even find a support group of other teen mothers who understand exactly what you are dealing with and can provide support.

Have a Plan B and a Plan C.

Ladies—you may have the best of intentions when it comes to anything like studying for school, getting the baby to the sitter’s before work, or going out with your friends, but sooner or later, something is going to come up with the baby and you’re going to be out of luck. The baby is sick, the babysitter bails, the car stops working, the weather acts up, anything. Always, ALWAYS, think of a plan B. Have a backup plan—it happens to all of us sooner or later, and it will happen to you. If something on your schedule absolutely has to be done (like you have to study for a test at school, let’s say), make sure to think of a backup plan. Sometimes it seems like the universe is messing with people who don’t have a backup plan, but the honest truth is that if you have a plan B and a plan C, you have a much better chance of getting done everything you plan to get done. This could mean something as large as finishing high school and going to college, or even something as simple as getting the bottles washed by the end of the evening with a colicky baby.  

Believe in yourself.

This is going to be a tough road. Being a teen, a student, a mother, and perhaps even an employee at the same time is a lot. You know you are working hard—and you should also know how awesome you are for doing it. You love your baby. You have made a choice to be all of these things at once because you felt it was the right thing for you. You are working hard to care for your child and for yourself. You will not always be perfect—you are human—but you can do this. Believe in yourself—you are your biggest advocate and your child’s biggest advocate in this world. You will need to remind yourself of this many times throughout the next several years—when someone says something hurtful, when something doesn’t work according to plan, when there’s a roadblock or a setback. You can do this. You will overcome obstacles. You can be a loving mother and a good student and a good employee. I know you can do it. I put myself through college with a child in tow. I earned a master’s degree. I got a good job that I love and with excellent benefits and a wonderful boss. These things are possible for you! Do not settle, do not let others drag you down, and do not berate yourself. This can be tough, but if you believe in yourself, you will accomplish what you set out to do.

Are you or were you a teen mother? How did you feel about the videos at Mommalogues? What advice would you give a teen mother today?