Vignettes: Spring 2012

It’s been hard to find the humorous in our household this year, and I’ve been searching for it. Begging for it, in fact. It’s starting to come back. A bit of time between the loss of loved ones and seeing the rebuilding efforts in my hometown help. Ant seeing the light at the end of the tunnel that has been third grade is another.

And so I have some stories. To share with you.

***

It was free health screening day at my work yesterday. Since I cannot be bothered to drag my sorry ass in to a doctor’s office I am too busy to schedule an appointment with a general practice physician, I thought a 15 minute drop in to make sure I’m not dying may be a good idea.

The gal who evaluated my biometrics must have been all of twelve, but she was very professional. Very. As I filled out the questionnaire with her (detailing all of my smoking, drinking, and butter eating) she shook her head and tasked under her breath.

“Your weight, I’m afraid, places you in the category for morbidly obese,” she said to me, sadly. I’m serious. She was genuinely sad.

“Ah, you know, I do not place much stock in those charts,” I said, “When I was considered an ideal weight, my ribs and hip bones actually jutted out of my body. Also, there’s only like five pounds difference between ‘just fine’ and ‘you’re going to die at any moment’.”

She stared blankly at me. For the first of many times in 15 minutes.

***

When we, several years ago, gave one son an encyclopedia of DC Comics and the other an encyclopedia of Marvel Comics, we never knew that we would be setting them up to be comic rivals for the rest of their lives.

K belongs to the tribe of Marvel (Spiderman, X-Men) and Ant is DC (Justice League) all the way. There is no compromise.

When K’s girlfriend joined us for Easter dinner on Sunday, she came in one of her favorite t-shirts. With the Justice League on it.

Ant, upon seeing this shirt, immediately turned to K, and stated matter-of-factly, “The two of you may not be made for each other. Need I remind you that Justice League belongs to the DC Universe?”

Those exact words.

***

For three years J and I have not been able to figure out how to remove the horoscope app from our dumb phones (yes, I do have a master’s degree, thankyouverymuch). So, we’ve gotten into the habit of reading our horoscopes at the end of the day, and then mocking them for being wrong.

J’s Sunday horoscope told him that there would be an influential woman in his life leaving their job. My told me that I might get fired that day (on a Sunday). Instead of automatically jumping to the conclusion that the influential woman in his life was me, he started speculating about his work wives.

So I mocked him more. For not thinking about his actual wife, with the wonky horoscope. Until I got his text the next morning.

“Holy shitsnacks, ****** just turned in her two weeks!”

Two points for the universe: one for being right, and one for taking me down a peg.

***

“Did you fast?” Biometrics gal was very serious, very professional. She stared at me when I laughed. “I don’t fast,” I quantified. I was only here on a lark! She was perfecting the blank stare.

“Okay, well, given your smoking, and your weight, and the fact that you did not fast this morning, I do not want you to worry about the fact that your numbers will be elevated. And they will be elevated.”

“Ah, I don’t know. I think there may be some differences in my physiology, due to the fact that I have some Native American ancestry. I believe there is some research that states certain ethnicities should not be evaluated by Caucasian standards.”

“I don’t believe that research has been supported. I do think your numbers will be elevated,” she replied.

And then she took my blood pressure. Which was a little high, for me. At 110 over 70; otherwise known as the midpoint of normal. She did some more staring.

What can I say? I have white coat syndrome.

***

Ant was listing, for all who cared to listen, why he thought that David Freese was the best baseball player in the world.

“First, he is a MVP!”

Jason then asked Ant, “Do you even know what a MVP is?”

Ant responded, “NO! I don’t. But I think it’s good, right?”

He then went on, “Also, Freese is from St. Louis. I am from St. Louis, too!”

You and several million other people, kid.

“Finally, he has a cool comic book name! Mr. Freese/Freeze!”

Which made me exclaim, “But, honey, Mr. Freeze is a villain!”

At the same time that K exclaimed, “But Mr. Freeze is from the DC Universe!”

Which, apparently, is somewhat synonymous.

***

Biometrics gal was trying to push some smoking cessation hypnosis on me, and the campus Weight Watchers group, while we waiting for the results of my finger stick. The machine beep-beep-beeped, and she looked down, ready to write my results.

“Oh, my!” she exclaimed. I was worried for a moment that she would actually be right.

And I did have some reason to worry. In addition to my slightly raised (for me) blood pressure, my cholesterol is a bit too low. Yeah, too low. And my blood sugar was normal. For those who had fasted for nine hours. Not for those who had given themselves two tablespoons in their very large cup of coffee two hours before.

She leveled her blank stare at me once more. “I think I may have learned something, today.” Yeah, honey, I we both did. That I’m not going to die. And that I need to eat MORE butter.

***

When K and I picked up his girlfriend for Easter dinner, she automatically sat in the back of the car with K. To which I then remarked (in what I thought was my under-my-breath voice) “Oh, great. I get to play at driving Ms. Daisy.”

They did not get my cultural reference. Because, as they pointed out to me, I’m old.

This led us to enculturate the youths of our party in 1990s movies for the rest of the afternoon. There was gratuitous use of YouTube to view SNL skits turned movies. This is the boys pretending to be the Coneheads...

Yeah, that's a Soft Kitty t-shirt.

There's that Justice League sporting girlfriend!