Imperfect Parenting: How Preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse will also Prepare You for the Holidays with a Small Child

Photo by v1ctory 1s m1ne

Whereas I started early with my child-rearing (read: I’m more than halfway done, bitches!), many of my friends are just now having children. You know, the friends who waited until a respectable age to get married and think about babies. They now have small children: toddlers, preschoolers, and newborns. I have brooding teens and drama- filled school-agers. I can help them. I can tell them what they need to do to survive the holidays (which are a whole new ballgame with kids. I can provide a much needed service.

In the words of The Bloggess, “you’re welcome.”

The zombie apocalypse teaches us many things about survival, and these can be applied to wrangling small, non-verbal, overstimulated beings through the holidays. Let’s look at some of the basics:

Be prepared: Have supplies on hand-

Every survival manual teaches you that you need to be stocked up and ready to go at a moment’s notice. When zombies begin to attack, things are going to get crazy. You need to have food and water and an ax and be ready to take out your stairs to the second floor. The same goes for surviving the holidays with a baby or toddler. Well, except for the ax. You need to have their needs covered, because no matter how much your Nana says she’s got the snack thing covered (the organic fruit snacks and the Annie Mac and the 100% juice, and all the other accoutrements of responsible parenting these days) it’s been a long time since she had to cover these bases, and it’s not really fair to ask her to get up to speed on the past how many ever years of what parents should and should not feed their child. Also, you might think you can share a bed with your little toddler (How much space can they take up, really? Ha!) but that’s crazy-talk right there. And the toys? And what about your irresponsible cousin’s kids? Not only do you need to bring enough snacks and distractions for your child, but you better be prepared and have enough for the other kids as well. It’s like your well-intentioned but clueless neighbors. When the zombies start chomping brains, you’re going to end up giving them shelter (because you are a nice person), but they are the ones who thought your preparations were crazy, and the next thing you know you are out of supplies (because you budgeted so many days for your family alone) and you’re having to consider going out into the fray (a zombie-ridden urban center is a nice analogy for last minute holiday shopping) to get more stuff.

Don’t try to be a hero: They get no respect-

You’ve seen it before. You likely know it from your own childhood. There is the one room where all of the children are corralled. The relatively safe, controlled space where there are less breakable heirlooms or knick-knacks. The children are rounded up and kept there. Inane holiday specials are on the TV and the level of high-pitched sound in this room makes you want to puncture your own eardrums with whatever’s handy. The parents of the small children end up there as well. The little kids want to be around the big kids, instead of being politely silent while you make the rounds to visit with relatives that you haven’t seen all year. The goal is to not be the last parent standing in that room—to not be the one left in charge of all the children while the other parents go off for five minutes or half a day of respite. You’ll be stuck there, making sure that these small beings share their toys and don’t bite one another and that no one decides to cut another one’s hair. Listen—if Rick Grimes from the Walking Dead can’t do a good job of being Rick Grimes, then what makes you think that you can be the Rick Grimes of the kids’ room? There are no stand-alone heroes in the zombie apocalypse, and there are no stand-alone heroes in the kids’ room. You need to team up (there should be at least two of you in there at all times). This way, there’s at least one other adult to converse with, and if someone needs to run and get help, you’ve got options. This leads me to my next point—

Teamwork: Or don’t let the hordes overwhelm you-

Have you ever watched a zombie movie? Who are the people who get eaten in a zombie flick? The ones who are alone, that’s who! There is safety in numbers. Employ the help of your adult relatives. You may think that you have your toddler covered, and then maybe someone else’s toddler covered, but it’s just like a zombie attack. Sure, toddlers are relatively slow, can be easily distracted, and in the midst of a fit can be picked up and hauled off, but if you have two or more of them gang up on you, you’re going to have a problem. But what if you have no choice? What if the others in your adult group have left you alone with the swelling horde of toddlers and preschoolers? What do you do then? You keep moving. You keep them guessing. You jump from one activity to another, and do not allow them the opportunity to attack you en masse. Example: K once found himself as the oldest person in the kids’ room last year, and only one of two boys. The next thing you know, he’d been corralled into orchestrating a Dance Party competition, and then was forced to dance along himself. You want to talk about one of the worst fates than can happen upon a teenage boy? Yeah. If he had had reinforcements, or even if he had kept them moving in activities that he selected, there wouldn’t be a video on my phone today of him Dance Partying away with a pained look on his face in the middle of a giggling group of small girls.

So there you have it. Three things that you can do to make the holidays with small children just a little bit more bearable. Of course, there are many other tips I could give you (although I really don’t recommend that you go all ‘Shane on Otis’ on that crazy conservative uncle of yours, no matter how many times you may envision it in your mind), but the final tip I will give you is to be flexible, and always be thinking of a plan b (or second route of escape). No matter how much you prepare, something that you never expected is likely to befall you. Adaptability is key. Flexibility. The ability to laugh at it all.

And have a wonderful Christmas!