Grieving, Holidays, and Revelations

I didn’t finish my NaNoWriMo novel. At first I felt awful about this, but I’ve learned to let it go. It just wasn’t in the cards this time around. I had no control over the events of the past month.

My last post—the one about the crazy schedules and the like—was right before my husband’s grandmother took a dramatic turn for the worst and then died, and his grandfather went into the hospital himself with something as of yet undiagnosed.

That throws a lot of kinks in things. Like novels. Or blogs. Or holidays. Everything was supplanted in order to travel, to comfort, to grieve.

An aside: Thank you to all of you who sent us well wishes and deepest sympathies and even real life cards. CARDS! In the mail! That is a cultural phenomenon I think all of us should revive.

Thanksgiving (which had never been my favorite holiday anyways) was much less than a holiday this year. The following week was marred by cold temperatures and stress and a funeral. Everywhere Christmas exploded around me but I did not feel it. I could hear the songs and smell the smells and see the shoppers but I could not get excited.

I was wallowing, and what took me too long to realize is that sometimes it’s okay to wallow. When I first started this blog—shell-shocked from our dramatic turn of economic events and moving and sore from the sale of our first home and fearful that everything could slip away once again (and would at any moment)—I thought that I needed to stop wallowing. Now, with months between me and the immediacy of those fears, I am beginning to realize that sometimes wallowing is healthy. Wallowing. Grieving. Mulling. All of these emotions are actually okay.

Once I finally realized this, it was as if the proverbial giant weight was lifted. I was no longer Atlas—at least for the moment. The room to breathe has allowed me a chance to get excited about Christmas—at least a little bit. I can still be sad—I can still have those moments. I can also have moments of humor and of happiness. They do not have to be mutually exclusive.

I’ve got a shopping date tomorrow. It’s going to be whirlwind day, and if we are actually able to follow my schedule, it’ll be one for the record books. I have a lot of catching up to do. My decorations are now up (with the exception of the lights for the outside that I bought, but my husband has been working too hard to find the time to put up). And I have big plans for some holiday giveaways here! I’m trying to work out the details now.

So, stay tuned. I never disappear for long. Plus, I have a wonderful story about Ant and his discovery of “Santa” on deck.