Sometimes a girl’s just got to bitch. This week, well, it’s one of those weeks for me. People are irritating the hell out of me, and I while I could try to blame it on the hot weather or the full moon, frankly these excuses just do not cut it.
In an effort to stop dwelling on those who have unknowingly injured me this week, I offer you an open letter to those individuals. If you happen to be on this list, please feel free to send your apologies to me, accompanied by a Starbucks giftcard.
Irritant #1: Great Dane Guy
Oh, GDG, you like to walk your very large dog past my house at all times of the day and night, so I never know when to expect you. As you have noticed, my unsocial dog freaks out each and every time you do. It’s hard enough to control her as she pulls down the curtains and eats the couch when you are doing a quick walk-by; but when you decide that this would be the best time to answer your phone and talk, and/or try to convince your dog to take a crap in our yard, well, the savage-Sophie beast just cannot be contained. I also harbor a hatred towards you because the cicadas never seem to attack you, but the kicker was when I was out watering the flowers, and you called out to me that I might need to socialize the Super-Sophie and then laughed. I think you might need to find another route before I punch you in the mouth. I WANT my large black dog to spaz at the sight on strangers. Sophie’s our insurance policy! And you, GDG, can keep your opinions to yourself and your dog’s crap off my grass.
Irritant #2: The Duggars
I will not get into topics such as your direct impact on the carrying capacity of the earth, or the foundational beliefs of your “church,” although these items bother me as well. My main beef with you is the fact that you have a TV show solely for the fact that you have learned to procreate, just like countless humans before you. Please, someone, tell me why this show is even watched? Because I refuse to watch anything on TLC these days. Does anyone else remember when that channel used to be The Learning Channel?
Irritant #3: Guys standing behind me in line at lunch yesterday
I have no words, really. No words. You’ve accomplished quite a feat in this regard. I cannot even come up with a witty name for you right now. All I can say is this—your ideas about using certain Bible scriptures to win girls (and more specifically, well, never mind) in Bible Study class will not work, and will likely get you cast into hell, if you believe in that sort of thing. Also, the rest of us didn’t want to hear about it for 15 minutes. We just wanted a burrito.
Irritant #4: Hef
You put a sticker over her cover shot? With the words Runaway Bride? Seriously? I understand that she jilted you, and I’m sorry that the two of you were not able to work out whatever arrangement over her allowance (what, are we living in the nineteenth century here?) caused the cancellation of your marriage, but Hef, you are 85 years old. Surely you’ve learned to be the bigger person in there somewhere, right? Do we really need to sticker the semi-dressed woman who left you at the altar? Or is this a publicity stunt to get people to buy paper copies of your mag? Also, in the words of my mother-in-law, “If you look in the sewer, you’re likely to bring home…”
Irritant #5: Six Flags
I don’t know if it’s actually you who has been sending me 11 spam emails a day offering cheaper tickets, but that is the name on the From: line. I don’t like you. Some of it is not your fault—like the fact that a semi crashed into us right in front of your park. Some of it is your fault—like the fact that you are expensive and crowded and oftentimes completely trashed. Either reason is beside the point. Please, please, please stop sending me the spam emails! If I have not taken advantage of your offer by now, there is no reason for you to continue sending me these emails (and during my weekly spam clean up this week, I literally deleted 80 from you). Try your offer on someone else; preferably someone who actually enjoys roller coasters.
Ah, I feel better, already. Lighter. Full of anticipation for my gift cards for coffee.
What irritates you to no end?
Oh, but I love watching the Duggars! They are completely opposite from me on so many beliefs and life styles, but that is what interests me. Also, their kids are all polite and educated and seem to be more well-rounded than most teens I see around here...
ReplyDeleteGreat Danes freak me out. And I can't even imagine the pile of poo that that would entail...
Six Flags is FREAKING expensive. We do the free reading ticket program or else we couldn't afford it. CRAZY.
excellent rant!
ReplyDeleteand I agree about the Duggars.
however, i enjoy that they are a complete, loving family with strong values.
even if those values don't match mine
Oh, I agree with you ladies about that- being from the same general area of the country, I do not know the Duggars personally, but I'm only one degree separated from that. Their children are well-behaved. My problem is that so many other children in the world are well-behaved (alas, mine are not), and it feels that the only reason in the world this family has a show is the fact that they have successfully 'done the deed' at least 19 times! That bothers me, for the connotation it gives.
ReplyDeleteWhat Tracey said about the Duggars...mostly. I don't watch, but my wife does. She also watches all the Real Housewives shows she she gets the full spectrum of aberrant human behavior. Given a choice I'd rather live next door to the Duggars.
ReplyDeleteWe have two greyhounds. We pick up their poop. The larger of the two, Bean, is terrified of the neighbor's chihuahua and freaks when rabbits come up to the back door to check us out. It's hard to be pissed at little teenintsy stuff like rabbits, He's also terrified of fireworks though, and I don't have any problem wishing evil on the bozos who think it's appropriate to celebrate Mother's Day, Easter, the end of the school year, and blue moons by lighting up the neighborhood with bottle rockets. 4th of July and New Years are enough already.
What do you think would happen if you printed the first letter really large and posted it in your front yard?
ReplyDeleteSix Flags: I take my kids to a fundraiser there once a year, when the park is closed to the general public. I've made it abundantly clear that they will never EVER set foot in there otherwise. I'm not a big fan of the general public.
Oh, Sharyn, I had not even thought of THAT! And this demonstrates the powerful goodness of the blogging community...
ReplyDeleteOh, the fireworks. Thankfully, Sophie is not a fireworks hater, but I've had dogs who despised them before. We have some fireworks issues in our neighborhood, but we're more likely to have people create lanterns, set them on fire, and let them take off. Which makes me think we're being attacked, War of the Worlds style.