Teenagers and Mockingbirds and Imperfect Mothering

I had a wicked-awesome (and yes, that’s the only way to describe it) dream last night where I was friends with The Bloggess and since she’s finishing up her book she asked me to write a guest post for Ill-Advised- a column she writes offering parenting ‘advice’ which I enjoy immensely.

Since it was my dream, I wrote the greatest guest post ever and the world was lovely and birds flew down from the sky and landed in my hand and sang special songs just for me and my awesomeness.

Then the alarm went off and I was instantly transported back to reality, where the only bird singing for me is the damn mockingbird that took up residence near our house after the new fence was built, and the term singing is used loosely, since all he seems to mock are car alarms. That’s fun at six in the morning, let me tell you.

Aside: J is of the opinion that if the mockingbird could just get some tail he would quiet down. This, apparently, is based on careful observation of how many times the bird jumps up and down while throwing out every car alarm noise in his repertoire. J’s been tracking the bird’s lack of mating success for several days now. I told J that apparently he is the damn bird whisperer, and perhaps he should go into the mockingbird matchmaking service, or do anything at all that will make the blasted thing just STOP already!

Back to the topic at hand…

I spent all morning thinking about what I would write in an advice column guest post in the first place, and I have to admit it, I was flummoxed about this for quite some time.  There are tons of parenting books, and baby books, and get your child to sleep/eat/toilet-train/go on Ritalin/etc. books. What exactly would I be able to contribute? My kids were not all that unusual as infants or toddlers.

And then I thought of my niche: parenting the average teen.

Granted, there are some books out there about parenting a teen (or, being a teen parent, but I digress), but most of these books are for parents who’ve noticed significant problems with their teens: flunking out of school, substance abuse, setting things on fire, etc. Is the message here that as long as your teen is not doing any of these things you must be do something right, and are in no need of advice?

I think not.

I think we could all use some advice here, folks, and just because your teen isn’t stealing your Bics and setting the garage on fire doesn’t mean that you wouldn’t like some help to keep that precious teen daughter of yours from screaming, “I hate you!” and slamming her door once every fifteen minutes or your lovely teen son from experimenting with alcohol—aka—binge drinking. I think we could use an advice column for parenting a teen.

Better yet, I think we can use an imperfect mother’s guide to parenting a teen! The first imperfect mothering post (related to our increased capabilities when it comes to environmentalism) led me to a place that I had not anticipated: a huge amount of post readers (it was in my top five posts of all times in less than twelve hours) and considering what would happen if Imperfect Mothering became a semi-regular feature on this blog.

Do you want Imperfect Mothering to become a semi-regular part of this blog? I think you do, but I could be wrong. I often am. 

The next imperfect mothering post—which will deal with raising average (shhh! Don’t tell them that! Repeat after me: They are unique and complex individuals. They are unique and…) teenagers will be forthcoming shortly. I am working on it right now. In the meantime, tell me: what other topics should an imperfect mother cover? What knowledge must she impart upon the world for the benefit of all humanity? What do all of those imperfect-averse people need to know?

I may very well be the only inquiring mind on this subject, but inquiring minds want to know!

P.S. Any advice on safely removing the most obnoxious bird on the planet form my backyard is also greatly appreciated. Feel free to throw that my way as well!