Nit-Picky! OR How my Weekend Plans Changed, OR My Own Little PSA

J trooped down the stairs, and by the sound of his footfalls, I knew that I was not going to get the answer I had hoped for. “It didn’t come out,” he said. And sighed. My husband rarely sighs.

DAMN. IT.

This was Friday morning. We had found little white bubbles, tiny little hairspray or paint bubbles in Ant’s hair. Only in one little section of his hair. One tiny little section of his scalp—right on the crown, where his hair forms two cowlicks (meaning that his hair should always be really, really short or really, really long).

No painting. Not at school. Not at after-school. Not for weeks. No hairspray either. Shoot, I don’t even wear hairspray.

But he is in little league, and wore the communal batting helmets three days before.

I had seen massive lice infestations in one of my previous lives. Actually, two of my previous lives. I had seen brown nits, tan nits, tiny little kernels of ‘rice’ where rice should never be (unless you have a 18 month old comedian). We had nothing like that one our hands here, in fact, there were no bugs (still aren’t), but it was damn suspicious, and I knew what it could look like in a week if we didn’t act now.

J had gone with the, “if I scrub his hair and it comes out, obviously she’s overreacting,” route. Which makes sense. I am the cynical one. He is the positive one. This is what makes us a good team. I assume the worst, and he brings me down off the edge, and we get the job done.

THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE MY FIVE-DAY WEEKEND! I allowed myself one minute of self-pity, and then I manned up. Or perhaps it would be better to say, I mothered up.

A call to the ped confirmed my suspicions. It didn’t look right for lice, really, but it was suspicious, so we would have to act like it was. It was likely that we had caught it on day three, and we would be able to eradicate any chance for infestation before it started.

It takes lice eggs one week to hatch.

“What can I buy to get rid of this now? What do I buy at the store to make this not happen?”

“Well, Sarah, that can be tricky. You know, in Europe, the over the counter remedies have become completely useless. The lice have become immune. We are following suit over here. It will take multiple treatments. There’s prescriptions, but that will usually take multiple treatments also, and well, there are side-effects.”

“What do you mean by side effects?”

“Improper use, overuse, or allergy could cause several things, from severe skin rashes to aspiration pneumonia to anaphylactic shock. And since your son has an allergy to ragweed…”

Ragweed? Really?

“… I would suggest you try a home remedy, which, according to many parents, is much more effective.”

So there’s where we stood on Friday morning. My long, long weekend. My day of relaxing and shopping and lunch with my mother while the boys were at school became something much different.

So, in an effort to find the bright side of this situation, I thought I would share what I have learned with you. You know, in the event you ever need to deal with this.

1. If you have boys, the easiest step is to buzz the kid’s head. Unless you have a teenager who needs to be bribed to buzz his head, even if he is germaphobe and deadly afraid of vermin in his long, luxurious hair. Once again, I am very grateful to have boys instead of girls. If you get it down to less than half an inch, you are in good shape, since lice like to lay their eggs about half an inch away from the scalp—perfect temp for hatching.

2. There are several things that seem to work on lice that don’t come in a box filled with warnings. Vinegar rubbed into the hair appears to work in loosening the nit glue, and makes it easier to pick each one out. Which you have to do, by hand.

3. Mayonnaise or olive oil are the best things to treat lice at this time. My ped suggests olive oil because it does not go rancid like mayonnaise, and your child should wear a shower cap to bed, over his/her saturated scalp. Overnight suffocation of the lice is the best way to kill them. They can hold their breath, which is why baths/showers don’t drown them. Wash it out with Dawn.

4. Your kid may smell like salad dressing, but it is better than the crap they sell over the counter. Just don’t pretend that you are going to eat his head, like J did. That seems to make them very angry.

5. Don’t buy a nit comb. They are expensive and don’t work. Hands work best. Pick every nit you can find off his or her hand with your hands. Check every day. It sucks, and you will feel like a chimpanzee at the zoo. Just imagine how bad your kid feels.

6. Stick everything in the dryer for at least 30 minutes on high. Stuffed animals. Couch cushions. Comforters. If it fits and won’t melt, stick it in there. I went with an hour, to make myself feel better. The heat kills the buggers. You will come to hate these creatures (even if you are acting preemptively) and you will want to massacre them all. If the dryer isn’t appropriate, put it in the dishwasher. The water won’t kill them but the heated dry cycle will.

7. Take all of your laundry to the Laundromat, and wash all the bedding. That way you can get it done in one fell swoop. Find one with beer. You will want a beer. You will want to buy your mother a beer for helping you haul your laundry to the Laundromat. Pac-Man is always good too. Oh, and when the high capacity washer says it can handle four normal sized loads, believe it. It can! It’s heaven sent.

8. Get ready for the cleanest surfaces and floors you’ve ever had in your life. My ped suggested wiping down ALL surfaces and vacuuming ALL floors and furniture (with a new vacuum bag every time) for three days straight. If nits fall off the scalp they die almost immediately—lack of heat. Adults can only live two days without a meal.

9. Call the school and the coach. Man up. It sucks, but everyone will like you a lot more if you do this now. Also, the nurse will help you inspect your kid’s head, and that makes you feel better when someone else tells you that there’s nothing there/left. You got it all.

10. You will feel itchy, all over, all the time. You probably don’t have lice, but have a wonderful moment with your spouse while you look each other over. Then do it again, and again, because the itchiness doesn’t go away, even if you know it’s psychosomatic. Then have a beer. Then put olive oil on your own hair, with a shower cap, to make yourself feel better. Ruthlessly mock one another. Enjoy soft and manageable hair the following morning.

Of course, the other bright side is that all of this work appears to have worked! Whew! It may not have been the Memorial Day weekend I had planned, but better to have a long weekend to deal with it all, and get it over with.

Thank goodness for my younger son—an old soul who can roll with the punches, and take just about anything in stride. Except shower caps with flowers on them. That’s where he draws the line.