Introduction to Jasonisms

Many people think my husband is sweet, charming, gentle. Mellow. Quiet. A teddy bear, really, in a giant’s body. Only I know the real J.

J had the amazing gift of being able to bring humor into any situation. He doesn’t share it with the outside world often—it’s often rather vulgar. He’s very private. Which is why I’ve decided to blog about it. You know, because his rare gift needs to be shared with the world, whether he likes it or not.

He has a thing for play on words and one-liners. We call them Jasonisms. Remember- this is the man who has diagnosed me with “early-morning Tourette’s”.

Most of them are wildly inappropriate, and not for blog consumption. Sheesh, someone’s already reported me for objectionable content—I don’t need to quote some of those gems and get shut down.

You’ll just have to take my word for it when it comes to those.

We’re watching the Olympics right now, and the inevitable commercials. Ever see the one where the female narrator is talking about how easy family travel is now that she has the iPhone app that turns off the house lights?

Tangent: J has a thing for not leaving things unfinished, unless it involves folding a putting away laundry. He hates the idea of a light being left on or the car doors left unlocked. Ever want to have some fun at his expense? Wait until he gets into bed, with the lights off. Let him get snuggled up and comfortable, and then say something like this:

“Hey, hon, did YOU lock the front door? Really? Are you sure it’s locked?”

This is a good way to get the better pillows by switching them while he’s up checking.

J is enamored with this commercial. He wants an iPhone, just to have this app. I ruthlessly mock him, because, well, that’s what married couples do, right?

J: That would be so cool. You could be away from the house, and turn the lights on! The bank robbers could be right there, at your front door, and then whoosh! The lights are on! Their plans are foiled. All because of one little app.
Me: Huh. Yeah, that would be cool. Except…
J: What?
Me: Well, what would BANK robbers being doing at the house? They’re bank robbers, not…
J: Well, duh. They are creating a distraction, so they can get the real job done with no interruptions.
Me: You know, this—what you just said-- it is either going to end up on my Facebook, or on my blog.
J: Yeah, that sucks.
Me: Really, why?
J: Well, I would prefer it if you gave me a cool name. The other mommy-bloggers give their husbands cool names.
Me: What?
J: You know, that one blog you’ve read for years? She had that name, f-ball…
Me: That is Damomma, and that was her husband’s name for the cat. Not for her husband.
J: Well, I’m just saying…
Me: You want me to call you f-ball on my blog?

These are the private, inner sanctum conversations of married life. You know, that secret, private spouse language that all the relationship gurus talk about. The thing that is supposed to make your marriage last and last. It all comes down to the super-cool name your husband wants on your blog, and the fact that you use the front door as a ploy to get to sleep before he starts to snore…

Because you know that once you suggest one door is unlocked, he has to check them all.

And then I think, maybe that is the secret to a successful marriage. I had a dreaded dentist appointment today, and a sore mouth this evening. I’ve been in a bad mood all day, either in anticipation of the dentist’s office, or as the response. My husband picked up on it, and came up with something humorous to distract me.

Then he made fun of me as I tried to fulfill my craving for fruity cheerios without causing too much pain…