Friday, January 11, 2013

Vignettes: Awkward


They're still here.... Staring creepily at us on the drive home...

Me: Ant? Why are you wearing those jeans? They are almost too small, and there’s a hole in the knee and you have, like, seven good pairs of jeans you could wear to school.
Ant: The weird stuff keeps happening. The deer have been waiting near the road all week. I’ve learned not to take any chances this week. It could be the jeans.
Me: WHAT?
Ant: Or if it’s not the jeans jinxing me, it’s better to have old ones on. Just in case.

***

Me: Oh! Oh, No! If 666 is bad, I can only assume 6666 is worse!
J: WHAT?
Me: I just got the score of 6666 on Doodle Jump before that text popped up and made me die, and I’m certain that’s a bad sign.
J: Well, now that you mention it—I rang a customer up at work today and their ticket was $66.66. I got the quad- six thing, too.
Me: A very, very bad sign!
J: How can any sign be worse than the Mark of the Beast, Sarah?
Me: I. Um. I don’t know. Have you listened to anything that’s happened to Ant and I this week? I don’t make the superstitions, I just follow them.
J: No, hon. You totally made this one up.

***

The after school teacher is standing at the door, awkwardly looking at me while holding another incident report. We just had an incident report after ‘resuscitation’ two days ago. Why the hell is there another one?

Me: What? Happened? This time?
Teach: Well, Ant was working on his classic physical comedy…
Ant: I stepped on a Rubbermaid tub lid, and it slid out from under me, and I landed on my butt. Again.
Me: Okay, kid, can we try to go more than two days without an accident/incident/or form to sign?
Ant: I wish I could promise you that, Mom, but I don’t feel comfortable saying something I don’t think is true.

***
EX-TER-MIN-ATE! Photo Source
Me: What does a Dalek do in the shower?
Ant: ???
Me: EX-FOL-I-ATE! K, what does a Dalek do in math class?
K: Um…hmmm…
Me: EX-TRA-POL-ATE!
Ant: Mom, what does a Dalek do on vacation?
Me: What?
Ant: EX-REST-I-ATE!
Me: Don’t you mean RE-CUP-ER-ATE?
Ant: No. Not at all.

***

I’ve only been at work for 30 minutes when the office line rings. I look over to the caller ID, see it’s a number from Ant’s school, and brace myself.

Me: Yes? What’s happened now?
Ant: Mom.
Me: Ant?
Ant: Chocolate milk explosion. It was spectacular.
Me: What articles of clothes are involved?
Ant: What isn’t involved is a better question.
Me: Okay, I’ll be right there.
Ant: Recess is in 30 minutes. Bring extras.

3 comments:

  1. Ha ha ha ha ha ha! I loved every one of those. Ant makes really reasonable points. I'd have let him go with the jeans if he presented that argument. The chocolate milk? CA-STI-GATE! (I had to turn to the thesaurus for a synonym for "punish" that would work in the Dalek theme.)

    ReplyDelete
  2. I think that deer logic is the smartest thing I've heard all week. You can't trust wild animals, man. It's toally the jeans. Good call.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Ant inspirational. You should keep him.

    ReplyDelete

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...