An Hour in the Life Of…

These occurrences take place in the hour between 5pm and 6pm…

5:01: I realize it’s time to go home, but I’m in the middle of something, so I quickly try to wrap things p and head home. J has to work late, which means I have to handle dinner, dishes, homework, laundry and the associated household crap solo tonight. There’s no time to waste.

5:20: I’m booking it out of the office by now. I usually pick up Ant in about five minutes, so I’m running pretty far behind.

5:25: It usually only takes me a few minutes to get home, since we live like, three freaking miles from my work (the joys of small college town life), but traffic is backed up. Way backed up. Beyond ‘school is in session’ backed up—which isn’t even possible, since school is NOT in session.

5:30: I realize that I’m stuck in traffic because there’s a police standoff occurring right ahead of me, on the right. I’m going to have to drive through it. There’s camera crews setting up directly to my left. (You can actually read more about this over at Sprocket Ink today—the standoff that wasn’t really…)

5:40: I finally get to the school to pick up Ant. I’m late for my usual time, but not “LATE.” Thank goodness for small miracles. Why are the afterschool teachers holding an accident report? Why do they have such looks of consternation on their faces?

5:45: After school teacher is having a hard time coming up with the right words to describe the situation. Apparently Ant fell off the swings and had the wind knocked out of him, but, why did the other two children jump on him?

5:48: Apparently the other children thought he was dead and were attempting to resuscitate him, Grey’s Anatomy-style. Ant’s not truly injured, but apparently he found the face-slapping to illicit a response from him somewhat disquieting…

5:50: We’re driving by the nature trail when Mrs. Deer decides to jump out directly in front of my car. I cannot freaking stop in time! Son of an effing…

5:50:30: Mrs. Deer jumps back to the right side of the road. I bring the car to a squealing halt. I have a heart attack and die. I look to my right, and see several more deer (where there’s one, there’s more) staring at us.

They're cute until they try to attack you... Photo Source

5:51: Ant whispers to me, “Why are they staring at us, Momma? It’s creeping me out!” I notice the city bus climbing the hill behind us, and wonder if the driver can see me…

5:51:30: I punch the gas to avoid collision with bus or deer-kind, and get home as quickly as I can (about two minutes).

5:53: Ant and I run into the house, certain that the universe (or at the very least, the deer in the area) is trying to kill us. I lock all the doors and collapse on the couch.

5:54: K walks into the living room, glances at me, and asks, “Geez, what’s the matter with you?”

5:58: I make the conscious decision to forget doing anything of value this evening.